Tolerant Intolerance
by Hatochan
Summary: Kakashi has a sudden change in his perceptions of his involvement with Iruka.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Notes

- It popped into my head and wouldn't go away. I couldn't get my homework done, so I had to write it out. I hope no one suffers.

**Tolerant Intolerance**

Summary: Kakashi has a sudden change in his perceptions about his and Iruka's involvment with each other.

Warnings: Language, Sexual situation ( malexmale), possibly disturbing medical imagery, coarse language, enough SAP to put your dentist's kids through Harvard ( seriously, I almost gagged on the sugary sweetness, but... some people are into it)

Disclaimer: Naruto and its characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto. _Chasing Cars _is property of Snow Patrol.

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" Oh gods... Iruka!!!"

" Ka- kashi- uhhhn !!!"

Silvered hair fell forward to trail across sweaty coffee strands, storm and ruby blinked lazily into lust hazed chocolate, pale fingers slowly released their death grip on golden skin. The two Konoha shinobi gently melted together for a brief moment as the hammering of their heartbeats eased.

Kakashi pressed his face into the comfortable hollow created by Iruka's neck and shoulder. Ragged breaths stirred the tresses haloed across the pillow, the younger nin reciprocating with the silver. " Oh, shit. 'Ruka, that was..."

" Yeah. " Iruka agreed with the unspoken comment, his voice satiated and heavy. He slipped his fingers from his partner's lax grasp and lightly ran them along Kakashi's sweat slick back. " It was." A low groan rumbled deep in his broad chest, vibrating through the man atop him. It morphed into humming, the melody familiar and sweet; Iruka's current favorite. It faded slowly into a cat-in-the-cream grin. " Maybe I should go on missions more often, if this is what happens when I get back."

" Hell no !" Kakashi lifted his head and spoke the stern words with an even sterner expression as he faced his bedmate; the contentment and calm of the afterglow shattered by the strong emotion. " You shouldn't have been on any missions at all and Tsunade-baaba was outta her fuckin' mind to send a chuunin to -"

" Hey, hey , hey," The smaller man wiggled in the other's embrace, trying to shake Kakashi's rant. " , first off, don't speak so disrespectfully about our Hokage. " Iruka raised a brow and put on his own disapproving face. " And secondly, do you think so little of my skills as a ninja?"

Kakashi riled again. " That's not what I'm talking about and you know-"

" No, that's exactly what you're implying; that I'm not a capable shinobi. " Iruka grunted and pushed the jounin off, hissing as the man's half hard cock was unceremoniously pulled from his body. Discarded clothing was jerked from the floor and used to clean the cooling mess on Iruka's stomach and softening member. He continued his defense as he wiped away the white streaks. " I realize that I'm not an elite jounin like you, Kakashi , but I am a soldier of Konoha and I am perfectly capable of undertaking missions when my Hokage deems it in the benefit of our village."

" Did you practice that in the mirror?" Kakashi snorted. He had rolled to the side when the other man oh so mercilessly ejected him from their intimate position and had listened in irritated silence until the last part of Iruka's speech tickled a tiny part of his slightly dazed mind. Laughing out loud, the silver haired nin grabbed the soiled shirt, threw it back over the edge of the bed and wrapped both arms around the protesting chuunin. " 'Ruka, are you making public service announcements in you're spare time? 'Cuz that was very inspiring. "

" I'm being serious, Kakashi." The dolphin growled, refusing to be distracted by his partner's amusement. Iruka squirmed and fought the restraining arms. " You act as though I'm a civilian with no training, or worse, just a lowly substandard layman who isn't fit to do more than spend his days in the mission office or tend scraped knees at the academy ! " Iruka was getting louder and his raving seemed to have steered off of the silver haired man onto a tangent. " 'Cause you know what they say, ' those that can't, teach'! "

The elder ninja felt a twinge of hurt at the accusation in Iruka's voice, even though he recognized the words as those whispered spitefully by other ninja who were simply jealous of the dolphin's abilities. Kakashi realized something else, as well. _ He's babbling about these past insecurities because they're still insecurities for him, especially since his mission didn't go smoothly. _Mismatched eyes glanced over the toned golden skin, newly marred by several bandages, the largest covering the brunette's entire upper arm.

The jounin gave a mental shake to clear the residual panic. He had returned from his own mission later that afternoon, a B rank that thankfully went off without a hitch, when he ran into Genma just outside the missions room. The senbon sucking shinobi had quickly informed Kakashi of Iruka's appearance at the village gate earlier that morning, tired and dirty and BLEEDING AND POISONED... _Calm down, 'Kashi. He's OK now. He's right here in your arms with his ass still sore from your cock and fighting mad like usual. _ His reaction had been unduly strong, something he chalked up to the fact that he simply hadn't been expecting the chuunin to have been sent on any missions. Iruka had always been waiting for him at the missions office when he returned, or at least didn't kunai him when the jounin snuck into the brunette's bedroom at ungodly hours in horrific states of hygiene and injury. Kakashi hadn't been prepared for the deviation in routine, that was why he was angry at the Hokage for sending Iruka out into the field, even if Iruka was the most suited. It messed with his schedule. Yeah, that was it.

" Well, I'm sure you've got your wish, because I'm certain the Hokage won't be entrusting me with any more missions. The ranks may not be as substantial as they once were, but there are plenty of ninja who wouldn't have been discovered, banged up and nearly lost the scrolls they were sent to retrieve on a C rank mission." Iruka's rueful spiel had not halted, despite Kakashi's re-initiation of contact.

Kakashi took several deep breaths before knocking his forehead against the other man's; not hard, just enough to get his attention. " Iruka, you know I don't think that shit. The people who do think that shit are just jealous bastards who don't understand what it takes to teach those little hellions day in and day out. And you know not to listen to their crap." The jounin took turns staring into each dark brown orb. " You know that I know that you are the best damn chuunin in Konoha and you're better than half the jounin as well. Fuck, everyone knows you would make jounin , no contest, if you ever decided to take the exams. " Kakashi began rubbing the tip of his nose back and forth across the dolphin's scar. Cheek, bridge, cheek and back again. " From what I've read of your C rank, it should have been labeled a damn A, and not only did you NOT lose the scrolls, but you also managed to get the coded scrolls so we could decipher them. "

His voice softened a bit as he continued. " So you are not a screw up, not a sucky ninja and not really mad at me for questioning the Hokage's sanity."

The elder ninja felt his entire body light up with the laughter that came bubbling out of the brunette's mouth. Iruka chuckled as he spoke. " Nice try, Hatake... You're diversionary tactics are deplorable, waaayyy too obvious." The brunette quieted, the smile fading from his rounded face. It was apparent to Kakashi that Iruka was still brooding over the technicalities of his mission.

Kakashi snuggled closer to his bedmate, sprinkling kisses across the pink lips and the dark horizontal scar. _Kami, he's fucking gorgeous. I'm thinking another round in the sack might get his mind off all this stuff. It'd certainly work for me. Hmmm. Odd how I'm the one who started out pissed off and ended up the one trying to calm him down. _" I think our earlier performance demands an encore, ne?"

" I'm really tired, Kakashi." Iruka gave a strained smile. He kissed the jounin lightly, then shifted until he lay on his side, facing away from the other man. " Are you going to stay the night?"

Gray and red gazed down at the back of the dark head. _Damnit, he's still upset. _ Kakashi debated for a second. He normally didn't stay through the night, sneaking away in the early morning hours before Iruka ever awoke, and if the chuunin was unhappy with his presence tonight then beating a hasty retreat could be to his advantage. Of course, Iruka hadn't asked him to leave.

" Yeah, if you don't mind. "

" I'll make breakfast in the morning." The reply came in the form of a sleepy murmur, Iruka hugging himself tighter and turning his face into the pillow.

Kakashi laid on his back, arms behind his head, staring blankly at the ceiling.

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The jounin wasn't sure how long he had been asleep, a rare thing for the highly trained shinobi. It only occurred when Kakashi slept with Iruka at one of their flats, the silver haired nin only reaching that level of security and comfort in that very specific situation. Though some instincts were too ingrained to be set aside. Kakashi remained perfectly still, breathing even, eyes barely cracked open as he took in his surroundings; he was curious as to what had disturbed his preciously deep sleep.

_Judging by the light in the room, it's about 4 or 5 a.m.. There's a bird on the roof practicing a few pre dawn arias. Not enough to wake me up, though. I guess I finally rolled over at some point; my arms are trapped between me and Iruka. _Kakashi buried his nose further into the nest of dark hair at the back of the man's neck, seeking the sandman once again. _Guess that's why I feel so warm, hot actually and... is Iruka shaking?_

Kakashi opened his eyes fully, blinking to adjust to the dark room, and focused on his bedmate. The brunette was indeed shaking slightly, the line of his body vibrating, twitching the sheet and blankets where they lay across his shoulder. Curiosity and concern forced his limbs to uncurl and move. One pale arm slid across the bandaging, hand pulling the thick covers further up the dolphin's body. " Hey, 'Ruka? Are you cold?"

There wasn't a response, of course Kakashi didn't expect one if the man was still asleep. Which he assumed Iruka was, up until the point he placed his hand on his chest. Iruka's heartbeat was slamming against his ribcage, thundering against Kakashi's palm, far too harsh for mere sleep. There was a sharp hitching in the man's breath. The jounin braced himself on an elbow and leaned over the other man. " Iruka? Iruka, are you OK?" _Is he crying?! _

Again, there was no response. Kakashi brushed sweat soaked strands from the chuunin's face, surreptitiously searching for tears,. _Fuck, he's burning up. _ " Iruka, wake up."

Eyelids flickered uncertainly before cracking open, head tilting up towards the scarecrow's voice. It took Iruka a few moments to bring his gaze on the silver haired man, the chocolate orbs unfocused and fighting to roll back into his head. Kakashi felt his own heartbeat stutter. The chuunin parted his lips. " K-ka-shi..." His speech was halting and obviously forced. " ' Ka-shi I-" Iruka turned his head and vomited over the edge of the mattress. The stench of bile was accompanied by the cloying scent of blood. A lot of blood.

_Don't panic, don't panic, don'tpanicdon'tpanicdon'tpanic... _Kakashi held Iruka's hair away from his mouth and kept the man turned on his side, face clearing the edge. The stream of bile ended, the brunette dry heaving pitifully..._don'tpanicdon'tpanicdon'tpanic..._ Kakashi rolled onto his side of the bed, sitting up and pulling his discarded sweat pants and mask from the floor. The dark material was yanked up his legs and settled at his waist within an eyeblink, mask jerked over his face, then the jounin crossed to the other side, carefully stepping around the pool of crimson tainted mess. ..._don'tpanicdon'tpanic... _ He dodged another bout of sickness, hands cradling the fevered face. " It's okay Iruka. It'll be okay."

" Ka-ka- uhgn- I- I'm sorry." Iruka's eyes were a bit more focused, his gaze trained on the sharigan. Tears rolled over the bridge of his nose, wetting the scar before tracing an ashen cheek and soaking into the sheet. " Wanted-wanted to t-tell you-" Vomiting once again interrupted his words.

" Stop talking, 'Ruka. Just breathe, just breathe. " Kakashi could hear his voice, calm and collected and nothing like how he felt on the inside. He waited until the brunette finished being sick, wiped his mouth on the corner of the pillow case and wrapped the blankets tightly around the trembling form. " Just hold on , Iruka. I'm taking you to the hospital. Just hold on." The jounin swept Iruka from the bed, clutching him tightly to his chest, and made the seals for teleportation.

" Hold on."

They arrived in a swirl of smoke and confused looks smack in the middle of the emergency room. Kakashi didn't stop once he and Iruka materialized. He pushed past the cluster of nurses who had been gossiping at the front desk and barreled down the corridor, shouting as he ran. " Get the Hokage! NOW!"

" I'm right here, brat! " Tsunade popped out of an exam room directly in front of the jounin, only his skilled reflexes keeping him from losing his balance and falling face first. Her irritated expression quickly disappeared when she saw Kakashi's cargo. Tsunade became all business as she directed the silver haired shinobi into the room she had just vacated, her nimble hands sweeping the cards and chips off the exam table and shooing the doctors ( poker buddies) to the side. " Put him here."

Kakashi gently laid Iruka on the table, careful to keep the blanket around his body; he knew the dolphin was self conscious. It was a difficult task, however. Iruka had progressed from tremors to full force seizures, his body thrashing about on the thinly padded bed. Kakashi held him down, hating every second he had to manhandle his chuunin. " Do something, Tsunade."

" What happened?" The Fifth ignored him and made her own demands. She moved around Kakashi's restraining hold, pushing the shaped piece of plastic into the brunette's mouth to keep him from swallowing his tongue. Other nurses and doctors were scampering around, dragging in various equipment and calling off stats.

" He showed no signs of illness when we fell asleep. About three hours later he was shaking, vomit contained blood-" _...don'tpanicdon'tpanicdon'tpanic... _

" He was throwing up blood? Was he coherent? "

" Yes. " Kakashi kept his eyes on Tsunade and his voice professionally detached. ..._don'tpanicdon'tpanicdon'tpanic... " _ He had trouble focusing, words were stilted but he was talking until we teleported. "

Tsunade lifted the brunette's lids, exposing mainly white. " Did he tell you anything?"

" Uh, no." The jounin faltered, remembering the dolphin's words. " He was aware of what was going on but he didn't seem to know the cause. "

" Shit."

" What?!"

The Hokage removed the jounin's right hand from Iruka's upper arm, the one bandaged tightly and now smeared with viscous crimson and puce. " Poison. He was poisoned. Fuckin' Stone." She pointed at a red headed nurse. " I need three #84 and two sedatives! The strong ones!"

" But- but it was a low grade neurotoxin. " Kakashi stammered, his cool demeanor slipping further. " He gave himself the antidote and the nurse gave him another dose when he got back."

Tsunade began cutting away the gauze. She threw the strips to the floor and grabbed three syringes from a tray offered by the nurse. Kakashi nearly threw up at the sight of the wound, the thin line had swollen and split the skin further, blood and pus and something that was not natural flowing from the injury. " Hold him. " The order was given to the jounin who placed more of his weight on the struggling patient, two more hefty orderlies were laying across the chuunin's legs. Tsunade plunged the needle directly into the gash. As soon as the thick fluid was drained into the ninja's body she jumped up, ripped the blankets away and stuck the second syringe into the chuunin's thigh, the third into his neck.

Iruka reacted instantly, his body tensing, arching like a drawn bow. Kakashi found himself staring into wide open brown eyes, scared and helpless. Then they rolled over white, again, and the brunette slumped back on the table.

" You can let him go now, Kakashi-kun."

Kakashi stood uneasily, slowly releasing his death grip, but not removing his hands from the unconscious man. He kept his eyes locked onto Iruka.

" Clean him up and take him to Room #2 in the critical ward. Give him the usual drips with an extra sedative. Keep the last two needles on hand, dose him if he has another fit. " The large breasted woman removed the instrument from Iruka's mouth and moved to the doorway, giving orders and shuffling through papers. " I'll be there in a few minutes to start his treatment." Tsunade turned towards the lone shinobi, standing immobile over the bed. " Hey brat, come out here." She received a rather unpleasant look and hand gesture in response. Her reply was to march up to the taller man, grab his ear and haul him bodily from the room. " You are in the way and if you don't cooperate you won't be allowed to stay with him while he's here."

_Like to see you try to keep me outta here. _ Kakashi glared at his Hokage, but followed her a little ways down the hall. He wanted answers and he knew Tsunade would be the only person to give him some. " Is he going to be alright?"

Tsunade leaned against a dull gray wall and crossed her arms over her ample chest. " Yes, you got him here in time. Thank the gods." She cast eyes over his appearance, a piercing observant look. He knew she was cataloguing his half naked state and adding it to the image of a sheet draped Iruka. Kakashi waited for her to make a comment, but the woman seemed to have dismissed the thoughts. " Another hour and there would have been no way to neutralize the poison. "

" What the fuck happened, Tsunade?" Kakashi leaned forward, his stance belligerent. " He got two- count them- two doses of antidote within hours of being cut. How did this happen?"

" The poison Iruka-kun and the hospital staff treated yesterday was an inferior grade toxin, as you said. It had immediate, but not life threatening , effects and no one had any reason to think it differently. The problem is that the initial poison was laced with a few extra ingredients, these chemicals reacted with the first antidote and created an entirely new poison within his body." She leaned back and let her head thump against the wall. " Giving him two antidotes just made it worse."

Kakashi wavered slightly, then slumped forward, his body coming down from its adrenaline rush. He ran a trembling hand through his disheveled hair. " Oh shit."

" It's an old trick, not very popular nowadays since it requires extra skill. That's why no one thought to check for it. But some of the older Stone shinobi still practice it. " The Fifth shivered unconsciously, hands rubbing her bare arms. " It's a very slow and agonizing way to die. "

_I almost left him alone tonight. I almost left him to die alone in his bed. _ Kakashi wavered more, the realization hitting him squarely. _I almost left him to die. _Rage was immediately displaced onto the nearest person. " Why the hell did you send him on a mission to Stone of all places?!"

Tsunade arched a brow, lips thinning into a tight line. " He's a shinobi of the Hidden Leaf Village, an experienced chuunin who's proven himself, especially today and-"

" You sent a school teacher on a retrieval mission-"

" It was a C-rank genin level missi-"

" All retrieval missions are supposed to be ranked B and higher and you know that!" Kakashi was yelling and he didn't care that he was standing in the middle of a hospital corridor. He could have been standing in the neonatal ICU and he wouldn't have curbed his volume, or anger. " It wasn't like he was going to be able to just stroll into their highly fortified village, leisurely pack up over two dozen potentially damning scrolls and just wave as he walked out of-"

" And that's why I sent him!" Tsunade screamed back. She bounced off the wall and stood toe to toe with the furious jounin, her head craned back to make eye contact. " Iruka- kun was the best person for the mission and he did a damn good job to boot! I've got jounin in this village who would've brought home a bunch of worthless parchment because they would have NEVER taken a moment to THINK about why there was an extra set of scrolls! And they probably wouldn't have even known they were poisoned at all since the initial symptoms were negligible!"

" HE ALMOST DIED!!!" Suddenly Kakashi's entire body was trembling uncontrollably, his stomach twisting and rolling until its contents surged upwards. He slapped a hand over his mask.

Tsunade had obviously seen his eyes go wide, her healer's instincts kicking in as she rushed him into the nearby men's room and shoved his face over the toilet. " Damnit, brat."

Yanking the dark cloth from his mouth, Kakashi spilled his meals from the day before into the porcelain bowl. Each upheaval was violent and accompanied by gasping sobs. He had just enough sense of mind to be aware of the older woman holding his silver hair back from his face; just as he had done for Iruka. The thought caused Obito's eye to flood.

" Have you been drinking milk?" Tsunade's incredulous voice was heard above the retching.

Kakashi spit several times, bits of undigested rice stuck in his teeth. Looking into the toilet, the jounin understood the woman's question; the bowl was filled with chalky colored fluid, small clumps of vegetables and meat scattered throughout. He did wonder how she could expect him to answer when he was barely able to breathe, but he ground the words out between great swallows of air. " 'Ruka... made some kind of... chowder... for dinner... had milk... in it." Another stream of sickness was ejected from his stomach. He braced one hand against the stall partition to steady himself. He really hated being sick.

" But you're lactose intolerant! I'm surprised you didn't end up here before Iruka! " Her fingers continued combing back the long strands. " Why the hell did you eat it- uh, nevermind."

The jounin finished spitting the last remnants of dinner into the toilet and wiped the back of his hand across his mouth. A bunch of paper towels was thrust into his face. " Thanks. " Kakashi croaked, accepting the damp towels with a nod. He kept his face turned away from his leader, embarrassed by the tears and the tremors still coursing through his frame. _ What the fuck's wrong with me?! _The hand that had been rubbing his back in soothing circles fell away.

" Come on, brat. Clean yourself up. "

Kakashi straightened up, removed his hand from the stall and slowly backed out. He found his way to the row of sinks and leaned heavily on the edge as he spun the cold water faucet to full blast. The jounin caught a glimpse of the blonde in the mirror, standing behind him at the stall door. Her eyes were focused on him in the reflective surface.

Blonde braids swung back and forth. Tsunade swung with them, relaxing her pose. _" _Were you sneaking out when all this happened or did Iruka end up at your place last night? "

" What?" _Here it is. _He and Iruka didn't hide the fact that they were screwing each other but neither did they advertise. In an atmosphere where your loved ones could be killed simply because they were associated with you, one kept most relationships private. _I'm going to get the inner office dating speech. Bitch._

" You don't usually stay the whole night." Tsunade's piercing gaze had returned. " When you sleep at Iruka's place , you almost never stay until morning. "

" How do you know that?" Kakashi was thrown off by the lack of a sermon. It quickly turned to annoyance at the woman's statement.

" I'm the Hokage." She smiled wickedly and tapped a well manicured nail on her upper arm.

" So where did you two practice the horizontal limbo last night?"

Sucking water directly from the faucet, the jounin took a moment to rinse the horrible acidic taste from his mouth. After spitting, he responded sharply. " His place."

" So you were leaving?"

" No."

Tsunade's interest seemed to pique, but before she could investigate her attention was directed to the restroom door where a medic had popped his head in. " Hokage-sama, we're taking Iruka-san to Room #2, now. " He disappeared as swiftly as he had appeared.

Catching the jounin's arm as he tried to make a break, Tsunade squeezed firmly. " First I want you to get a shirt and some slippers, at least, or you're going to catch a cold in here. And find something to cover your eye. The last thing I need to deal with right now is a chakra depleted Sharigan user. When you're dressed you can come up. "

Kakashi thought about arguing, but considering the near bone breaking pressure being applied to his arm, and the beginnings of a stress headache from his abused sharigan, he decided he probably should get a gown or something. He nodded and the older woman released him. As he took a step towards the door, intent on stealing some scrubs from the nearby closet, the Fifth gave him a parting comment.

" You know, when Iruka stays at your place, he's always there when you get up in the morning. You should think about that. " She exited , but looked back into the room. " And no matter what you decide about that, you need to tell Iruka about the milk thing. Orders from your physician."

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Kakashi did think about the Hokage's words; Iruka staying the night, not the milk thing.

He thought about them while Tsunade channeled her chakra into Iruka's limp body, her life energy repairing the damage done by the poison.

He thought about them while a nurse cleaned and healed Iruka's wound, the medical jutsus knitting the torn flesh.

He thought about them while Sakura brought him a uniform shirt and hitai-ate, her soft one sided conversation filling the room for a brief time.

He thought about them while he sat in silence for the next fifteen hours, watching over the room's lone patient.

Kakashi leaned back in the uncomfortable hospital chair and rested his skull on the wide window ledge. The ceiling was as uninteresting as the one at Iruka's, the jounin tiring of its water stained acoustical tile in under an hour. He had originally thought that maybe the pitted 2'x2' rectangles would distract him from the torment of Tsunade's comment, but the discoloration of the water damage morphed into a humongous bosom and winking face. _" You know, when Iruka stays at your place.." _ _Damn, bitch. She needs to keep her nose outta other people's business._

The Hokage had promised that the young man would make a full recovery, Iruka would be sore and weak for a few days, the effects of the antidote and sedative. However, the woman had assured Kakashi that the chuunin simply needed to sleep off the strong painkillers then he would be allowed to go home. It was getting late and the jounin had been told by several people to go home to shower and sleep. He silently refused. Even Tsunade had tried to tempt him with a plate of broiled salmon and rice

( _How the hell does she know my favorite food?)_, her earlier arrogance replaced by subtle sympathy. Kakashi shook his head and pulled his borrowed head band down further over his left eye, mussing his limp hair even more than the hectic morning had.

It was dark in the room. At half past nine the sun had long gone , stars puncturing the velvet sky and framing the full moon. Kakashi had moved onto the pale orb once the ceiling had lost its allure. _Iruka's always there when I wake up, whether I'm at his apartment or mine. Always. How many times have I stayed in his bed 'til daybreak? Three, maybe four, times since we started sleeping together. Not at all for over half a year. _The jounin tilted his head back towards the hospital bed, his thoughts sweeping backwards in time, mind grasping at the bygone beginnings of his and 'Ruka's involvement.

Before the Chuunin exam Kakashi had only known Iruka by reputation; as the beloved academy sensei that everyone knew and respected, as the once master prankster of Konoha, as one of the many Kyuubi orphans. Oh, he had always thought the man attractive, sitting behind the missions desk and glaring in disapproval at Kakashi's barely legible report. Iruka was the only ninja in Konoha who didn't quake in fear under the Copy Nin's cold indifference. That had piqued Kakashi's curiosity. Once Naruto became a part of his team the jounin discovered another facet to the dolphin, his almost father like love for the blond boy. That had also raised his interest. But it was after Iruka blew up at him in front of the ranks of shinobi and the Third Hokage, that Kakashi decided he would have to find out more about the fiery brunette. Specifically whether or not he was inclined towards some adults only fun; it had been forever since the silver haired man had indulged in a casual romp and he figured Iruka would satisfy his craving.

Unfortunately their first sexual encounter did not occur under such favorable circumstances.

The tragic events surrounding the final round of the chuunin exams had left Iruka beyond distraught, refusing to leave Naruto's bedside for the first two weeks of the boy's hospital stay. Kakashi had finally convinced ( read: snuck up on and teleported) the smaller man to return home to shower, change clothes and catch some sleep. Except the chuunin had apparently reached his breaking point and had sensed the scarecrow's fraying nerves, as well. Iruka dragged Kakashi under the hot water and into his bed, every kiss and touch laden with grief as the jounin took the younger man. It had been hard and fast with no few tears afterwards before they fell into exhausted slumber.

Kakashi exited several hours later, leaving Iruka to finish his much needed nap.

Neither one discussed what happened. It wasn't unusual for people to engage in sexual conduct under stress, particularly among the shinobi ranks; mission sex was just another need to be fulfilled, like food and water. Kakashi and Iruka left the episode behind them, both assuming the responsibility of weakness on their respective parts, and continued to deal with the fallout of Sasuke's departure and the rebuilding of their village.

Two months later Kakashi had stumbled upon the chuunin as the brunette was leaving the Hokage's Tower. Iruka was leaving the missions room late and Kakashi had been returning from a very _very_ bad A rank. Exclamations turned into pleading which turned into very sensei-like demands; the jounin, once again, ended up in Iruka's shower and then his bed. The sex had been less frantic, but no less emotionally charged.

Kakashi left within the hour.

_That whole first year was almost nothing but stress relief and comfort sex. So much was going on between the both of us, the academy practically became an orphanage overnight with 'Ruka taking charge of all the little ones, I had so many missions I hardly had any space to breathe; but we always ended up in one futon or another at least two or three times a month. _ Kakashi mused as he watched the brunette sleeping undisturbed. He flittered through various memories of himself and Iruka, smiling at some, flinching at others. The jounin noticed a pattern had emerged that first year, one of sex and little else between them. They did not socialize, conversation was generally limited to ' where' and 'when', little was exchanged other than saliva and semen.

_And then..._

Kakashi wasn't sure exactly how or when it started. Maybe with Iruka stopping by his apartment to share a letter he received from Naruto. Or maybe when Kakashi invited the chuunin to tea as he happened to be passing by the academy during break. Whatever the genesis, the two men began to see each other outside of the bedroom. Eventually tea became ramen, ramen became sushi, sushi became homemade bentos ( Iruka's contribution) , bentos became full course dinners

( Kakashi's handiwork) . _Somehow we started dating and I didn't even know it._

Iruka stirred in the hospital bed. A hand twitched and settled, the gold skin ashen in the moonlight. Kakashi stared at him for another moment before shifting to his feet. The chair was picked up and set bed side, metal clad feet quietly clicking on the hard floor, jounin reclaiming his seat. Kakashi wearily removed the hitai-ate, setting it on the bedside table. He wanted his view to be unobstructed. A breath or two passed , gray and red following the line of the dolphin's body beneath the thin sheet, watching the rise and fall of the man's chest. The silver haired man reached out and slid his hand across the cool sheets until his fingers grasped Iruka's.

_Problem is I did know, I just didn't want to admit it. If I denied any strong attachment then I could keep up the delusion of us being fuck buddies, of being just friends. Because a fuck buddy couldn't be held against me, couldn't be harmed in order to get to me, couldn't die because of me. Couldn't rip my fucking heart fro- _Kakashi realized his grip had tightened, his breathing halted in his chest. He consciously ordered his muscles to relax, the jounin resting the patient's hand in his own and bringing his other hand to lightly trail over the scarred face. _ I pretended for nearly a year, Iruka. Pretended you were just a convenient screw, a friend with benefits and nothing more. Because- because..._

_I'm an idiot. _

The skin beneath his fingers was slightly chilled and he could feel goosebumps prickling the man's flesh. He would never understand why hospitals were always kept so cold. Kakashi unfolded the extra blanket left at the foot of the bed, draping it over the prone body, pulling it up to Iruka's chin.

_And I am in love with you, Iruka. _

Kakashi listened to his lover's soft exhales. More memories arose, other nights when he stayed awake to look at his bedmate, shared meals, conversations over tea. One in particular kept working its way to the forefront: a night several months prior. Iruka had been standing at the kitchen counter chopping vegetables for dinner, singing quietly. Kakashi was sitting at the small table, sharpening his kunai. A scene of domestic tranquility. The jounin had asked about the tune. The chuunin turned and his beautiful smile shone in the tanned face. _" It's just a pretty song." _

Silver hair swayed as Kakashi dipped his head, fingers tugging the mask down to pool around his neck, eyes closing in concentration as he recalled Iruka's favored words. " I don't quite know... how to say... how I feel..." Without making a conscious decision, Kakashi found himself lifting the thick blankets and carefully sliding under them to nestle against the smaller man. He lay on his side, arms trapped between their bodies, nose almost pressed to the golden cheek. Softer now, he continued his serenade. " Those three words... are said too much... they're not enough..."

Obito's eye began to water, quickly followed by his own and he shut them both to keep the tears at bay. Deep gripping emotion overwhelmed him, like he hadn't felt in a long time. It blanked out the rest of the song, coherent thoughts, anything that wasn't directly connected with the presence of the sleeping man. Even his breath stalled in his throat.

" If... I ... lay here..."

Kakashi's eyes snapped open, disbelieving his ears. Lifting his face a few inches to get a better look, the jounin at first thought that he had imagined the lyrics; Iruka lay perfectly still, eyes closed, lips parted sligh-

" If I just... lay here..." Iruka sang again in his roughened voice, the words barely above a whisper and halting between intakes of precious air. His eyes slowly fluttered open.

The silver haired man was struck speechless for a moment, the pure joy and relief at seeing the moon's reflection in the brown orbs drowning his earlier despair. Then he remembered himself and brought one hand up to caress the beloved face. " Iruka? "

The corners of the brunette's mouth raised slightly before falling back into song. " Will you lie with me... and just forget the world..."

Saltwater drops ran freely over Kakashi's face, wetting his ears and the pillow case below. " Do you need anything? Are you in pain? "

There was a small shake of the head. " All that I...am... All that I ever was..."

_Tell him NOW!!! Tell him before something awful happens to him and he doesn't make it!!! Tell him before you end up dead in a ditch in Mist! TELL HIM!!!! _ Kakashi drew in a deep breath. " Iruka, I-"

Iruka's head tilted towards the scarecrow, bringing them nose to nose. Half lidded doe eyes shone in the dim light. " I thought you wanted to sing." His lips lifted again in a smile, then he continued with his song. " Is here in your perfect eyes... They're all I can see..."

_I guess it's a conversation for later. I can deal with that, since later involves me waking up with him in my arms. _ Kakashi sighed, content to let the moment just be. He did have to fumble for the next line, however. " I- I don't know where...Confused about how as well.." He moved closer to the smaller man, still careful of his freshly healed body, and whispered the words into the dark skin. " ...Just know that these things will never change for us at all..."

Dark eyes slowly fell shut. " If I lay here..."

Mismatched eyes were hidden under thick lashes. " If I just lay here..."

" Would you lie with me... and... just forget the world..." Iruka finished. His breath was warm on Kakashi's cheek, soft and caressing. " You're tired, 'Kashi. Go to sleep."

_That's laughable. _" I don't normally take health advice from people in their sickbeds. " The jounin snickered sleepily. He felt more than heard the rush of air that was a snort of laughter from the younger man; it sent tingles all through his body. Snuggling closer, nose buried in the dark hair just above Iruka's ear, Kakashi was ready to sleep for the next ten years in his current position, except he suddenly recalled, with mild annoyance, that he was supposed to bring up a certain subject as ordered by their leader. " Uh, Iruka?"

" Hmmm?"

" I-I'm lactose intolerant." Kakashi mumbled, almost hoping the other man wouldn't understand and would be too far gone to question further. Otherwise, he was going to get a severe scolding for the stupidity of withholding that particular piece of information. He waited for either reaction. He got neither.

" I know. " Iruka turned his face just enough to place a light kiss on the underside of a pale jaw. " I've been using soy milk for over a year, now. G'night, 'Kashi." And with that, the dolphin slid back into peaceful slumber.

Kakashi lay in bed, lover held close, laughing silently at life's little lessons. He fell asleep with the barest hint of a smile curling the corners of his mouth.

_owari_


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Notes**:

- A great many thanks to everyone who read and special thanks to those who reviewed!

- Though this started out as a one shot I got such wonderful feedback and requests for more that I couldn't _not_ add on:) So, there will be a few more chapters, maybe four to five more. I admit that I struggled with this particular chapter, so I apologize if it seems a bit choppy.

- I have to thank my many cousins who are or have been enlisted in US military ( I have family in all branches) who allowed me to stay up waaaay past my bedtime when I was younger to listen to their stories ( not all of them cheerful) that influenced this storyline. And especially my cousins Brian ( Marines) and Timothy ( Navy Seals), who answered my questions with blunt honesty

( meaning they got over the fact that I was ' Baby-K' more than ten years ago and I buy my own insurance and everything now ) and gave me further insight into the emotional mind sets of soldiers. Love you guys!

**Warnings: **Coarse language, male x male relations ( shounen-ai)

**Disclaimer: **Naruto and its characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto. Although I haven't quoted any lyrics within this chapter, there is music. If anyone cares, what I was thinking of while writing this were several tracks on the Samurai Champloo soundtrack, I highly recommend the CD and the show.

**Story Notes**

Oushi- Ox; ANBU masks , according to Wikipedia, are based on the animals from the Chinese zodiac. Genma struck me as cow- like with his incessant senbon chewing.

Akimichi Junya- Chouji's name can be translated to " second son", so I took artistic lisence and gave him an elder brother.

_**One year ago...**_

" Kai!"

Kakashi made the seal to dispel the jutsu and burst through the front door, three kunai bristling from between the knuckles of his right hand. His single gray eye swept over the room, assessing the enemies' position within the small space. Whatever the lone shinobi was up against he was ready to take on as he shouted for the object of his rescue. " Iruka!"

The silver haired man was not prepared for the sight of an anxious Genma in the open kitchen placing a tea kettle to boil on the stovetop, dressed only in loose pajama bottoms, his hair disheveled and senbon twitching erratically between his lips. He had not expected the smooth sounds of melodious music drifting from the speakers in the living area and filling the entire flat with soothing notes. What he had expected and did indeed encounter were the harsh wracking sobs of one Umino Iruka leaking from under the bathroom door , competing in volume with the wordless song. Waves of chakra, ragged and unstable, exploded uncontrollably from the closed bathroom and washed over the flat.

The scene changed quickly after the jounin's concerned shout.

" Kakashi just-" Genma began, his gloveless hands raised in front of his bare upper torso in an open placating manner.

The special jounin was cut off by a scream torn from the back of the flat. " GENMA! GENMA!"

" Iruka!" Kakashi screamed in return, this time forcing his way past Genma's obstructing position. He didn't know what the hell was going on, but he'd be damned if he let Iruka continue in that pained and panicked tone. He would kill Genma later." Iruka! It's Kakashi!"

" Kakashi , don't!" Genma managed to plaster himself to the wooden door, his arms now braced in front of him to ward off the enraged shinobi.

" Genma, don't let him see me! Don't let him see me! " Iruka's broken voice babbled on the other side of the painted wood. Chakra spilled into the hallway, thick with fear and sorrow, rolling over the other two men in suffocating waves. "Please don't let him, don't let him don'tlethimdon'tlethim..."

" It's okay, 'Ruka-chan. It's okay." Genma replied firmly in his own calm voice, then aimed his attention back towards the man he was currently grappling with. He was just barely able to keep the kunai from opening his flesh. The senbon flicked dangerously close to the other nin's throat. " Kakashi you can't- "

" Iruka!"

" NOGENMANO!!! Don't let him see, don't-"

" - go in there right now. He'll be okay, but you have to-"

" Move, Shiranui! Or by the gods I will shove a chidori-"

" - oh gods don't! Don't let him, don't let him see me, don'tdon'tdon't-"

" - leave now."

Another pair of arms suddenly wrapped themselves around Kakashi's upper body, prying him from Genma and the bathroom portal. They were thick bear-like arms that jerked the silver haired man off the floor and took him completely by surprise.

A warm mouth breathed Raidou's voice into his ear. " He's breaking, Kakashi."

Kakashi shut his mouth just as he was about to scream for the dolphin once again. _Breaking?_ The three men froze in their silent tableau as the pleading from the bath slurred into piteous murmurings.

" ... don't let him... don't let him see..."

" Go with Raidou." Genma ordered, his stern voice low enough to be heard only by the other two. " I promise Iruka will be okay." The lithe shinobi disentangled himself from the younger man and quickly turned back to the wooden pane. " It's fine, 'Ruka-chan. I promise. Kakashi is going to wait outside with Rai-chan. It'll be okay."

" Come on." Raidou put the jounin's feet back onto the floor and pulled one arm from Kakashi's body. The other he draped over the silver haired man's shoulders and led him away. " Iruka needs Genma in here and us outside."

Kakashi dumbly allowed himself to be directed back through the small apartment, vaguely noticing the older ninja tossing a paper sack onto the counter that separated the kitchen and living areas. It nearly collided with the small cooking timer sitting on the plain wooden surface, the device ticking steadily towards its thirty minute limit. Raidou opened the door and gently pushed Kakashi through first, before stepping outside himself. The young jounin watched as the front door was shut and the stocky brunette made the necessary seals to conjure the containment jutsu back into place.

_Breaking? Iruka's never broken. _ Kakashi stood lost on the front stoop, hands clenching and unclenching at his sides. He felt the warm metal of the kunai handles and was reminded that he still had the weapons out. Kakashi put them back with his others, visible eye glazed over in deep thought. _This is- this is- _It was just so unexpected. He breathed out through his mouth, hot breath escaping the mask in a cloud of white.

Despite the brilliant sunshine that flooded the Village Hidden in the Leaves, the air was bitingly cold and thick frost hung about in the remaining shadows. Kakashi had returned earlier that morning when the sun had just been peeking over the top of the Hokage monument, most of the village still hidden under a blanket of frozen twilight. It had not been the most pleasant of treks back from his A -rank mission, a simple assassination that had, thankfully, been accomplished without incident. But Kakashi had reached the village gates unharmed and unworried only to find evidence of a large explosion that had taken out a substantial portion of forest and a chunk of the eastern wall; the new brick construction contrasted sharply with the original weathered bulwarks. He hadn't bothered asking the guards on duty about it, wanting nothing more than a shower, a hot meal and a warm body to forget himself in.

So, naturally, he had headed to Iruka's, knowing the man couldn't resist coddling him when he came back from a mission.

" Sit down, Kakashi, before you fall down. " Raidou spoke up, sandal clad foot pushing a low bench along the outer wall towards Kakashi. The brunette was lounging on the hip high railing that edged the cement slab, arms crossed over his barrel chest, dark brown eyes understanding.

" What happened?" The silver haired man finally found his voice. _I should have asked the guards._ He refused the offered seat, slumping back onto the wall and mimicking the other man's pose. " Something to do with the crater outside the eastern wall?"

" A genin team and their chuunin sensei were ambushed three days ago . I wasn't here, bodyguard escort to Wave, but Ibiki filled me in yesterday. " Raidou said as his face tilted in the direction of the apartment window. The fire scarred shinobi seemed to be trying to penetrate the glass and blinds in search of his lover and friend. " They were given a D class mission, finding a bracelet one of the daimyous' wives lost during last week's political function. The woman thought it might have slipped off during the farewell ceremony as they were leaving Konoha. The kids had just left the gates with their sensei right behind them, I guess they were going to scout out the shrubs near the entrance. " Raidou gave up staring a hole through the covered window and turned back to Kakashi. " The explosion caught everyone unawares, when the dust settled... there wasn't much left."

" Who?" Kakashi ground out.

" A renegade Mist nin, Akirin. She'd be in your bingo book. " Feet shifted on the cement, Raidou worked his way into the corner of the house and the rail. " After the explosion, ANBU found her sitting on an uprooted tree, laughing her godsdamned ass off; it was pretty obvious she had gone off the deep end. She didn't even try to run."

Kakashi released another cloudy exhale. " She wasn't very stable to begin with." The silver haired shinobi recalled what he had read about the woman. Akirin had left Mist a few months prior, after killing her team during a mission. No one knew why she had snapped. Mist had been tracking her, but had no luck pinpointing the escape specialist. _Why the fuck did she have to come here? _" Did she give any reasons for her attack? Not that they would matter much."

" No." Raidou was quick to answer, anger marring his expression. " Bitch just kept pointing at the remains and laughing. One of the genin had been wearing a necklace, they said it still had the boy's ... Akirin was trying it on when the squad arrived. She asked Oushi if he thought it looked good on her."

" Did ANBU take her in for questioning?"

" No. Oushi put a chakra blast through her face. Ibiki wasn't very pleased, but he understood."

_And that explains why Genma looks like shit. _Kakashi gave a silent sigh as he imagined the senbon user, bovine mask in place over the hazel eyes, destroying the kunoichi's head in a flash of fury induced chakra. _I hope Ibiki wasn't too hard on him. _ Pale fingers rubbed a weary patch of equally white flesh between mask and hitai-ate. " Who was on the team?" He was almost afraid to ask, but he knew it would help him out if he knew how they were related to Iruka.

" Homura Hideki, Juunishi Ayame and Raiki Fuu were the genin. Akimichi Junya was the chuunin who took them out that day, their jounin sensei is still out on a mission. " Raidou hung his head. " Services were held yesterday."

Kakashi's head lolled back on his neck, thumping against the dirty plaster. He was vaguely familiar with the genin, knew they had been in Iruka's classes and had graduated with the Rookie Nine, although they had not been nominated to the chuunin exams that year. Their deaths were bad enough, but Junya-kun's... _Iruka adored that kid almost as much as he did Naruto, treated him like a younger brother. _The eldest Akimichi son had made chuunin a year before Chouji had made genin. Junya had taken an interest in teaching and had been Iruka's apprentice for a semester before being given his own class of six year old beginners. The heavy set teenager had loved it. Kakashi remembered seeing Iruka and Junya together at the academy quite often, usually laughing over stacks of ungraded papers and mugs of lukewarm coffee. There had been a short time when the Copy Nin had thought the two academy instructors were involved ( Asuma had nearly choked when Kakashi mentioned it, then quickly set him to rights). _Iruka must've been crushed. Shit. Why does this always happen while I'm away? _

Silence reigned, the two shinobi lost in their own thoughts. Kakashi's mind quickly filled with the pained cries of his sometimes bedmate, the shock of discovering such a thing still lingering. _I never thought I'd see Iruka break like this._

" It's something of a shock, isn't it?" Raidou's eyes had found something to focus on in the distance. His arms twitched slightly, squeezing the pockets of his flak vest; a light crinkling came from one of the pockets with the movement. " Iruka's always the cheerful one, always a smile and a wave." He laughed softly, fingers absently tracing the sworls of distended flesh stretched across his cheek. " Or an enraged scream and a knock to the back of the head."

Kakashi laughed as well, very familiar with the dual personality of the chuunin teacher. " Yeah, he's quite the spaz. " The shinobi became somber, remembering the scene he had just walked into. " I guess that's why I never thought about this happening to him. Iruka's always venting. Always. Not a day goes by that he doesn't honestly express some extreme emotion or another, scream-smile-cry whenever the mood strikes him. I mean, unlike us, he doesn't have to be an emotional retard in order to carry out his daily duties. He's not Ibiki or Sasuke or me. And Raidou, you can't deny the fact that Iruka does not have to deal with the types of missions we must perform every day. He hasn't had to be a part of that amount of bloodshed." Kakashi closed his eye against that thought. " The perks of being a chuunin academy sensei."

" Thank the gods. " The scarred shinobi nodded. " Which is why he doesn't break very often. Maybe once a year, twice if things have been really bad. And yeah, Iruka does tend to be emotive on a fairly regular basis, but, " The man paused to shift his weight from one foot to the other. " , a lot of those smiles and tantrums are 'Ruka-chan's way of hiding the pain so he can focus on the kids, his friends and loved ones. Especially this past six months with the whole chuunin exam disaster, then Naruto leaving to train and you disappearing for missions. Pile that on top of everything else he has to deal with, A-rank missions or not, it's a lot of shit. It's all catching up with him and it's hit him hard. And he still thinks he has to take care of the entire village. Silly boy." The last was spoken in an affectionate whisper.

Kakashi had seen that in his partner, that self sacrificing aspect of his personality had been one of the things that had drawn the jounin to the younger man. But it had never occurred to Kakashi that a part of Iruka's cheerful demeanor was merely a facade to hide darker emotions. _Which is pretty fucked up on my part. There's not a shinobi in Konoha who doesn't suffer some deep loss; we just handle it differently is all. Iruka turns his attention to others and I... I buy a new Icha Icha and tease the hell out of Iruka and that's on a good day. On the bad days-wait- what does me being gone on missions have to do with this?_

" I know it's hard to see him like this. Without that smile." Raidou continued.

" I usually don't get a smile when I first get back." Kakashi countered, disregarding his previous line of questioning. " It's usually a lecture on the stupidity of not seeking immediate medical help or the dire consequences of failing to promptly turn in a mission report. " He tugged at the loose cord hanging from his vest's shoulder, rolling the string between two fingers. " Besides I think most of us are accustomed to the non smiling violent Iruka. I could tell you things about his temper." _The chuunin exam was merely the first of many tantrums directed towards me._

" Have you ever come home to find that every piece of clothing you own is exactly one size too small? "

" Uh, no."

" Or woken up on top of the Hokage's Monument surrounded by everything from your apartment ; furniture, pictures, appliances, everything?"

" No."

" Or had every hair on your body shaved off while you were sleeping?"

Kakashi was stifling horrified chuckles by this point. " N-no. You said that was for a mission in Sand; said you'd stay cooler that way. Iruka did that?"

Raidou was having difficulty suppressing his own grin. " You can't tell me shit about 'Ruka-chan's temper. " He growled through the smile. " Seriously, don't let him know that you sleep. He'll get you."

Laughing openly, Kakashi ran a hand through silver strands. " What did you _do_ to him?"

" Well, the first time, Raidou teased Iruka about wearing bigger clothes to make himself look bulkier. " Genma emerged from the apartment, senbonless, the jutsu melding back together as soon as the man's body cleared the doorway. " The second time, he took pictures of the poor kid while he was smashed out of his mind at a party and making out with yours truly. " A heavy blanket hung over Genma's broad shoulders, barely covering his naked chest and arms. His hands shook as he lit a thin white stick. " The third time, Raidou made a crack about Iruka's ponytail and the various ways it could be used to enhance different sexual positions. " The special jounin flopped gracelessly down onto the bench that Kakashi had refused earlier. Genma drew in deep lungfuls from the cigarette and exhaled nicotine tinged clouds. He cast a weary glance and smile at his lover. " And Rai-chan finally learned his lesson after that."

The larger shinobi frowned, the tight flesh of his scars pulling slightly. Raidou swept over the man's appearance with concerned eyes. " You're barefoot, Gen-chan."

The cigarette trembled at his lips, voice steady despite the tremors. " I need the distraction."

Kakashi watched as Raidou left his perch to sit next to the other man. The older shinobi pulled Genma to his chest, careful to keep the cigarette in a safe location, large hands gripping the edges of the blanket to thoroughly ensconce the man inside the thick wool. It was obvious Genma could barely move within the double embrace of fabric and arms. The hand in charge of the cig merely wobbled back and forth on its wrist as it stuck out the top of the blanket. Raidou planted a gentle kiss on Genma's exposed forehead. Bare feet stayed on the freezing concrete. In spite of their current situation, Kakashi couldn't suppress the swell of warmth that the image of the two men created in his chest. Genma and Raidou were undeniably sweet, not that Kakashi wanted that type of relationship. Still... it was nice to see them happy with each other.

_Genma's probably gonna break tonight. Probably would have today if he wasn't being kept busy. _Kakashi pulled his gaze from the other jounin to stare at his own booted feet. _At least he's got Raidou to anchor him. _The silver haired man brought his thoughts, once again, back to the dolphin in the bathroom. Raidou had echoed his thoughts concerning the smaller brunette, how unpleasantly surprising it was to discover that the teacher wasn't all sunshine and pranks. _I guess I just never realized how little I really know about Iruka. Not enough to even know that the man breaks like every other shinobi in the village. Speaking, er, thinking of which... _" Is there anything I can do to help?" Kakashi was reasonably certain he knew the answer to that and the knowledge hurt him on some unidentifiable level.

" No. He was pretty upset with you being here." Genma said flatly, words slurring around his nearly finished cigarette. " Iruka has a very set routine to his breakdowns. If you don't follow procedures then he gets even more upset and it takes a lot longer for him to come out of it. " He took one final drag and held onto the glowing butt as he released the extraneous smoke, eyes glassy as he studied the still red hot cherry. " I'm giving him another half hour before I check on him. " The cig wavered in his grasp, hazel eyes glazed and contemplative. " His chakra is starting to level off, he's tiring out. It's been over nine hours... " Genma's voice trailed off, his attention solidly glued to the butt in his fingers.

Kakashi looked on with growing apprehension as the special jounin began to curl his fingers inwards, the glowing end of the butt moving closer and closer to the heel of Genma's hand. The honey haired shinobi seemed oblivious to everything outside of the spot of flame. Kakashi nearly broke from his slouch as the heat from the cigarette started to redden the flesh just below Genma's thumb, the Copy Nin ready to swoop in and intervene.

He needn't have worried. Raidou brought a large tanned hand to the pale fingers hovering near Genma's face and deliberately plucked the cigarette from his lover's hand. The butt was tossed to the cement, rolling under Kakashi's raised boot. The silver haired jounin ground the stub into the porch, effectively extinguishing it. _ I thought Genma had gotten over that. He must be just as bad off as Iruka if he's gone back to putting out lit cigs on himself. _

Raidou shook his lover to snap him from his self destructive reverie and laced his fingers with the ones that were no longer busy with trying to burn himself. Hazel eyes cleared and widened, then looked apologetically at the larger man. Genma gave a weary sigh. " Sorry, Raidou."

" 'Sokay, baby." Raidou cooed into the light brown hair, squeezing the man tightly. " We're going back inside, I'm going to lay out a futon in the living room and you are going to sleep for -"

" ' Ruka-chan's -" Genma interrupted, guilt and fatigue warring within his expressive face.

" - going to be sleeping for a long while. Like he always does. " Raidou finished smartly, gentle hands taking the sting from his rebuke. " He'll be fine with me helping him, I've done it before, then you two can get the sleep you both need. You can talk when you wake up. " Soft kisses accompanied the firm words and Raidou helped his lover to his feet.

A moment of panic seized Kakashi as the two shinobi ambled towards the front door. _Are they just gonna leave me out here? _His stomach clenched into a knot, deep seated feelings of helplessness and isolation swamping his thoughts as childhood insecurities came to the foreground. In his mind's eye the door was already being slammed in his face, shutting him out, closing him off from the human contact he had craved since the Yondaime's death. _It's not like you can do anything, Hatake. Raidou and Genma have it under control, they'll take care of iruka-sensei. They don't need you here. _The spiteful little voice in his head quickly confirmed his fears and Kakashi made to leave. He pushed off the wall, ready to wave farewell when a hand fell on his shoulder. A half turn found him face to face with an ashen skinned Genma.

" Kakashi, don't get worked up over this, okay." The senbon user managed to force a tiny smile to appear. It did nothing to ease his features. " When "Ruka-chan wakes up I know he's going to want to see you. " He sank back into Raidou's supporting embrace, eyes half lidded, exhaustion evident in every line of his face and body. Raidou quickly shifted his hold on Genma, lifting the man off his feet and carrying him bridal style to the door. Genma passed out instantly.

Kakashi reached out and grabbed the door knob, knowing Raidou would have difficulty reentering the apartment with his hands full. _I'm being a real baby about this. 'Course it's not everyday I come home from a mission to find four new names on the Monument, my fuck buddy breaking and one of my friends on the verge. And I can't do one fucking thing about it!!! _ Face a mask even beneath the dark material, Kakashi ignored the odd twist of chakra around his hand and turned the knob.

" Go home. Take a shower. Eat something. Sleep if you can." Raidou whispered over Genma's head, the special jounin fully asleep, face nestled against the larger man's neck. His dark brown eyes squinted against the midmorning sunlight as he leaned a little closer to Kakashi. " If you can't sleep, then just give me an hour to get these two settled and come back. We'll have plenty of time to talk while Gen-chan and 'Ruka-chan take their naps. " Raidou's smile spread across his scarred face.

Kakashi's fingertips caught the door before it could hit the interior wall, careful to keep his head on the outside of the jutsu. He hesitated for a moment, his mind latching onto the offer of company and most likely a chance to learn something else about the dolphin, but wondering if he should return and, in his own mind, ' disturb' the trio of close friends.

Raidou's smile softened into a lip quirk. " You want to know more about Iruka?"

Kakashi nodded silently.

" One hour. I'll tell you everything I know."

_TBC..._

a little confusing, I know, but I promise to clear up some things in the next chapter... or two. Gosh, I just love ya'll!


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Notes**

- I'm slow. I'm sorry, really.

- Special thanks to everyone who reviewed!!!

- Thanks to everyone who read!!!

**Warnings: **Coarse language, male x male relations ( shounen-ai)

**Disclaimer: **Naruto and its characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto.

**One year Ago... Part 2**

" A-a-and then-then Genma comes screaming into the apartment, hair done up in these tiny b-b-braids and it's bright ORANGE!!!"

" H-holy shit!"

" And he-he was tripping on all my stuff, 'cause I had just f-f-finished teleporting all of it from the Hokage's monument! He fell flat on his f-f-face!"

Kakashi was biting a gloved hand through his mask, trying to stifle the laughter he was already choking on. " Wh-what d-d-did he do?!" His voice was low, barely above a whisper despite the hilarity, fully conscious of the two sleeping nearby; Genma on the couch and Iruka in the back bedroom.

Raidou covered the lower half of his face with his hand, also attempting to keep his chuckles quiet. His watery gaze cast glances over Kakashi's shoulder every now and then, checking on the lightly snoring form in the living area. " You know, he t-tried to wash it out, but-but it was some kinda jutsu, so it repelled water. " He sucked in a lungful of air, careful of making too much noise. " And when he tried to throw a genjutsu over it, to hide it, it t-t-turned LIME GREEN, then PINK!!! With STRIPES!!!"

The two shinobi once again fell into choked giggles, their snorts muffled by heavily clothed forearms and leather gloves. Drawing a deep breath, the silver haired jounin managed to get a hold of himself, withdrawing his teeth from a leather clad fist. He knew there were indentations in his mask where his teeth had separated the fibers. Kakashi was lucky he hadn't bitten through the material. " Kami, all that pay back just for a few pictures?"

Raidou wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, laughter induced tears wetting his skin. " Have you seen the pictures?" At Kakashi's shake of silver hair, the scarred man continued. " It's an entire album of highly erotic, and exceptionally well done I might add, photos of Konoha's cutest chuunin engaged in the hottest of necking with Konoha's sexiest special jounin during the annual jounin-chuunin party. And Genma's dumb ass showed it off in the missions office and the teacher's lounge. That's how Iruka found out that I had taken the pictures. He got us both in the same night. " Raidou's fingers curled around his half empty tea cup, but did not lift the drink from the table. His voice softened considerably, no trace of amusement left. " He broke a week later. "

That erased all the joy from Kakashi's thoughts as well. _ I knew we'd get to this eventually. I'd just hoped to hear more about the happier times first. _ The jounin mentally sighed, knowing he was being foolish. He and Raidou had been talking over tea for nearly eight hours, the older shinobi regaling the younger with stories of Iruka's wilder days, some he had been witness to, some heard from Genma and others in the chuunin's acquaintance. _ I'd heard that Iruka was something of a prankster during his academy days, but I never guessed it followed him through the years. Or that he was such a huge deal in the club circuit, second only to Genma's dance floor ( and bedroom) antics. _After so many tales of the dolphin's exuberant youth, Kakashi didn't want to tarnish them with unhappy talk. _Get over it, this is important. Besides, you've handled worse shit, Hatake; your own, Yamata's, Ibiki's... Kami, nothing could be worse than Ibiki breaking. _ He shivered involuntarily, then forced his attention back to the other man. " Can you tell me what happened? "

Raidou wasn't looking at him, brown eyes transfixed by the slight rise and fall of the blanket on the couch. It was a moment before he registered Kakashi's words. " Oh... he finally left Mizuki. It didn't end well, as you can imagine. "

" Iruka and Mizuki?" Kakashi was truly stunned, for the first time in a long time. He remembered at the last second to keep his voice down.

" Yeah." Raidou gave Kakashi a bemused expression. " You didn't know? "

Kakashi ran a quick time line in his head, before giving another shake. " I was in ANBU at the time, away on missions. And I didn't ... socialize much. " _That's something of an understatement. I didn't so much as leave my flat unless I was headed out to a mission. _That had been a very rough two year period that Kakashi tried very hard to forget. " I wasn't in the loop back then."

" Hell, you didn't need a 'loop'." Raidou muttered, refilling his cup and topping off Kakashi's." There was a fuckin' smoke signal pouring out of Iruka's apartment that day, took half of Konoha to pry Mizuki off. Asuma actually found Naruto curled up in bed underneath the rubble, still fast asleep. "

_Naruto? _ Again, Kakashi found himself stunned, but kept his mouth shut this time. If he interrupted Raidou every time he had some moronic it's-not-that-I-didn't-care-I-was-just-socially-challenged question then he'd never get to the important bits. _I came here to find out how Iruka breaks, it's important to know how a colleague breaks in order to react properly, to keep him from becoming a danger to himself and others. So I can help him if it's needed. I did not come here to get a scene by scene replay of his life. _

_No matter how ridiculously curious I might be. _

Raidou seemed oblivious of Kakashi's mental chiding. " Thank kami, that kid could sleep through anything. He never knew what happened, I think Iruka later told him the water heater blew up. Anyway, Genma took them to his place to stay for a few days until Iruka's apartment was repaired and to keep Mizuki from prowling around the two. The day after the fight I had one of Genma's summons pecking away at my window, nearly breaking the glass to get my attention." The large man rubbed a hand through his ruffled hair, voice steady. Raidou's face was thoughtful, though not pained, at recounting the unpleasant memories. " When I got to his flat, I found Naruto sitting outside, crying on the stoop. There was a note slapped on his shirt in Genma's handwriting telling me to take the brat for a couple of days. "

" How did that go ?" Kakashi couldn't help but ask; there were very few people who had actually had the Kyuubi container under their care. He liked to compare notes.

" Well after I convinced him that Iruka wasn't angry with him for spilling cereal all over the floor, I took him to get ramen and dango, took him to my place where he proceeded to destroy my belongings with the methodical efficiency of any five year old , then he fell asleep in the middle of carving his name into my bathroom wall. " Raidou smiled at that, eyes crinkling at the corners, little lines of mirth and nostalgia. " He was a cute kid when he wasn't getting into anything. "

" Glad to know some things never change. " Kakashi smirked beneath his mask. He took a sip of tea through the dark material, careful not to spill. He was honestly fascinated listening to Raidou speak. _All these things were going on in the village. All these things were happening and I chose to be ignorant. What else have I missed due to my selfishness? Alright, not the time to get hung up on that. _" Did you actually have to keep him a whole two days?"

" Actually it was a whole week. Sandaime just made the babysitting thing into a mission. " Raidou gave a little smirk that faded back into his thoughtful look. " I told Naruto that Iruka had caught a stomach virus and didn't want him to catch it , too. He spent the rest of the week getting me to buy chicken ramen and dolphin plushies to " make 'Ruka-nii-san feel better' . Genma told me about the break afterwards over sake."

" Do Iruka's breaks usually last that long?" Kakashi decided to get back on track with his questioning.

_" _No, that was... an exceptionally bad time for Iruka. He'd taken over custody of Naruto the year before even though things between him and Mizuki were already strained; but he wouldn't give Naruto up. Anko had just come back to the village, there was that whole mess to deal with. A few months before that there was the inquiry at the school board that almost got Iruka fired, thankfully it was cleared up pretty quickly, but the damage was done. " Raidou peeked into the tea pot. He stood and headed to the sin. The water ran quietly as he spoke over his shoulder. " Genma told me he'd never seen Iruka so bad off and he's been his anchor since he was fifteen. "

" That's quite a while. I didn't realize they'd known each other for so long." Kakashi admitted, draining his now cold tea in one swallow. " I'm glad he's had someone to be there for him, some shinobi aren't as lucky." _'Course, some of us would rather that no one witnessed our cracking, another oddity of Iruka's. Unless, he can't be left alone for some reason._

" Gomen, I've gotten off on a tangent. " Raidou placed the kettle on the stove top and returned to the table. He shrugged out of his flak vest, hanging it on the back of his chair before resting his chin in a cupped hand, laughing softly. " It's just been a while since I've encountered someone who wasn't aware of Iruka's infamous past. "

" Well, I believe it was time well spent. " The silver haired man smiled in gratitude. _I've learned more about Iruka in one day of conversation with Raidou than over a dozen nights of sex with the man himself. _

" I think so , too. But you really came here to hear about Iruka breaking."

" I'd like to help him if it ever comes up. Perhaps when both you and Genma are away for missions. "

Raidou nodded and gave the other man a thankful grin. " It hasn't happened yet, but it's always been a possibility. It'd be nice to know that someone will be here when we're gone. Hmmm... I'm not really sure where to begin."

" How do I know if he's about to break?" Kakashi offered.

" Oh, that's easy. Iruka'll tell you."

Kakashi blinked, gray disappearing and appearing in rapid succession. " He'll tell you?"

" Once he sent Naruto with a note to the missions office for Genma, but he usually sends one of his summons." Raidou idly picked at a small cut in the table's wooden surface. " So if you're ever attacked by a rabid squirrel, that's 'Ruka telling you to hightail it to his flat."

_Rabid squirrels? That really happens?! It was a viable excuse all those times I was late?! _ _Iruka can summon squirrels?! "_ I'll keep that in mind."

" If you're with him he'll just tell you straight out, then head home, or if he's already at his place straight to the bathroom. The point is, he's able to feel one coming on. " Raidou sat back, one hand slipping under the knot of his hitai-ate and removing the constricting band of cloth and metal. " Iruka'll finish up whatever he's working on and teleport to his flat. A lot of times he'll set everything up, too. I got his summons once and by the time I made it to his apartment he already had music going, the timer set and was in the bath."

" Okay, so Iruka will just tell me when he's going to break. " Kakashi confirmed. Pale fingers drummed softly against the tabletop. " What should I do once he's here?"

Genma rolled over on the couch, throwing his pillow onto the floor. There was a responding snore from Iruka in the bedroom. Kakashi and Raidou waited for a brief tense moment, but neither sleeper stirred again.

" Like I said, Iruka will go straight to the bath. He'll shut the door, but he won't lock it. He knows we could just teleport inside if we wanted. Once he's in the bath there are three things that have to be done, if Iruka hasn't taken care of it himself; fuujikomeru no jutsu, timer set to sixty minutes, music. In that order." Raidou ticked off each item on his fingers.

Kakashi absorbed that bit of information. _Okay, bath, jutsu, timer, music. That's something of a weird combination. Not that I'm one to talk. _

" You know how to put a muzzle on the apartment, ne?" Raidou questioned.

The younger man resisted the urge to roll his eyes. " Yeah, it's not a problem. " Containment jutsus were popular among educators, corrections and generally any profession that dealt with loud obnoxious ninja ( Kakashi had even seen it cast by the occasional parent seeking a moment's peace). The principle was simple enough; the jutsu used a chakra web to surround the spastic person, keeping their voice and any surges in chakra from leaking out and disturbing those around them. The term ' muzzle' had been born in the academy halls, the sensei slapping it on unruly students the way a handler would physically muzzle an animal. In other situations the web could be stretched to encompass larger areas, not just the one person. Such as a crowded holding cell, or an interrogation chamber... _or an apartment with a breaking shinobi. " _ Have the neighbors complained in the past?"

" Not that I know of." Raidou shook his head, brown hair splaying wildly. " I just think Iruka wants to keep it as quiet as possible. Doesn't want anyone to be concerned. "

" What about the music?"

" The music masks some of the crying, gives him some background noise to help block out external sounds like us doddering around in the kitchen. " Raidou swiftly stood and snatched the pot from the stove before it could whistle. Loose leaves were placed into their silver ball and plunked into the boiling water to steep, the pot set carefully onto a folded towel on the table.

" Iruka has specific CDs marked for it, they're kept on top of the player. Always use those CDs. The rest of his collection is too difficult to decipher the content; you'd never know what you've got until it's already playing. "

Kakashi nodded, deep in thought. _Music is used as a sensory block, much like white noise. Makes sense. Fuujikomeru no jutsu is used to keep his privacy, he doesn't want anyone else to know. Which brings up the question..._" Most of us break on our own. Why does Iruka need to be watched?" _Please don't tell me he'll slit his throat unless someone is standing over him. Or drown himself in the tub. Don't tell me he's that weak. _

Raidou shifted in his seat, leaning back and stretching his legs out, apparently taking a roundabout way to answer. " 'Ruka-chan made chuunin a few months after his fifteenth birthday, Genma was still swaggering over his promotion to special jounin. He headed a team with Iruka and two other chuunin on a B-rank to Mist. Retrieval only, which, of course, meant that it turned into an A-rank before they even got hold of the scrolls. Iruka made his first kill on that mission. "

Kakashi knew he was staring. He knew his gray eye was wide open and glowing with wonderment. His mouth was parted beneath the dark mask, not quite gaping, but near enough for the Infamous Copy Nin. He was learning things about Iruka, things he'd never thought of knowing about the quiet academy sensei.

" He put a kunai through a Mist Nin's throat just before the guy could crush Genma in a water jutsu. Genma said he'd been impressed by Iruka's attitude during the battle; calm, collected, deadly. Said he was the perfect picture of a Leaf shinobi. And the kid had saved his life. Iruka took out at least a dozen more ninjas before they made it back into Fire Country, running like hell towards Konoha. When they got back Genma invited the team to a bar to celebrate, since no one had suffered any serious injuries and the night had just begun. Iruka declined saying he just wanted to take a bath and go to bed. Genma and the other two chuunin went on. " Some of the reverie like fog lifted from Raidou's dark eyes, his gaze focusing on the tea pot. He claimed the ceramic and poured for Kakashi and himself. " In the early morning hours, an exceptionally drunk Genma returned to Iruka's flat to ' properly thank' his savior, disabled the traps on the window and snuck into the apartment to find Iruka sitting half conscious in a tub of ice cold water."

" Shit. " The silver haired man muttered under his breath.

The large man sipped his hot brew, as though he needed the heat to dispel the cold images. " Fishing the kid out of the tub was enough to sober Genma up a bit, he had enough wits about him to put Iruka under the hot shower, then wrap him up , force some medicine down his throat and get him to bed. Actually crawled in with him. Genma'll tell you it was about shared body heat and all that noble crap, but he was just too drunk and tired to make it out of the bedroom. And he's a cuddle whore. When he woke up the next morning, Iruka was already in the kitchen making breakfast, gushing apologies and doing his damnedest to make it out to be nothing. "

" Genma convinced him to think otherwise?" Kakashi spoke up.

" They had a heart- to -heart," Raidou replied. " and between Iruka's fever and Genma's hangover they managed to work out an agreement; Iruka would let Genma watch over him, and in turn, Genma would stop putting cigarettes out on himself. "

Kakashi took another sip of tea, grateful he had changed masks before returning to Iruka's flat. This way his drink wasn't tainted by stale sweat and saliva, or the blood and dirt grime left over from his mission. _So Genma didn't just grow out of that self mutilation phase. Interesting._ The tea had a delicate flavor, Kakashi made a mental note to ask Raidou about it. " So, it's not suicidal tendencies. "

" No, it's nothing so conscious on Iruka's part." Dark lashes fluttered as the older man gathered his words. " Iruka can't break in front of people. He has to have privacy to scream and cry and curse. That's why he shuts the bathroom door, even when he knows we're right outside and we can hear him; he visually shuts us out, closes himself off. He doesn't want anyone to see him in that state. After a certain point, when the anger and frustration drain away, he slips into a sort of depression, loses his grasp of time and where he is. If he wasn't sitting in chin deep water that turns cold after an hour it wouldn't be as much of an issue, but he does so someone has to be here to keep a watch on him. That's why you set the timer. We give him an hour, knock on the door, tell him to drain the tub, wait eight and a half minutes for the tub to drain, knock again, go in, start the hot water, leave, wait eight and a half minutes for the tub to fill, knock, enter, cut off the water, leave, set the timer for one hour, repeat procedure until he's ready to talk or he's too tired to remain upright. " Raidou recited the obviously well memorized routine in a wearied tone, though a light hearted smile curved his lips. " It's usually no more than three or four hours, three to four water changes, before he quiets down, exhausts himself. That's when we start asking him if he wants to talk or get out. We have a basic rule of ' two silent changes' , meaning once he's no longer manic and we've given him another two hours in the tub, then we very nicely tell him to get out."

Kakashi was mildly shocked. It had seemed to him that Iruka was not to be pushed during the whole breaking process. " Does that go over well with him ?"

" We haven't had a problem. And the whole deal is to get him out of the tub as soon as possible. Once he's reached that point then there's no reason for him to stay in there. He won't fight you on it. Even after today's squabble, I just told him it was time to get out and he was totally complacent. Of course, he was on the verge of unconsciousness, without any strength to protest. " Raidou placed his arms on the table top. Brown eyes focused on the single gray. " Get him to drink some tea or water before he goes to sleep and that's it for the hard part. You don't have to stay here after he falls asleep, but check in on him every once in a while. He's supposed to send a summons when he wakes up , then we talk and get him fed before going back to bed. We'll keep checking on him for the next few days , just to ward off any lingering depression and then that's that. Crisis averted. "

_I should think about having an anchor of some sort. I mean, I haven't broken in over five years, but... it would certainly help out, maybe I wouldn't be out of commission for a whole two or three weeks. Hell, I nearly dehydrated the last time. If it wasn't for Sandaime hunting me down for a mission I might have- _" How often did you say this happens? " Kakashi asked , once again emptying his cup in a single swallow and effectively disrupting his counterproductive line of thinking.

" Let's see... it's been a little over three years since the last one. " The scarred man slumped even further in his chairbringing his arms above his head in a deep stretch. When he finished, they dropped back to his sides, thumbs hooking into the back of his waistband. " Like I said the past six months have been bad, add to that the past three years. Injured and murdered students, dealing with Naruto, his confrontation with Mizuki , the incident with Genma last summer. All of it piled up and this last tragedy was just too much. "

" Was there a trigger for the last one?"

" Mission related."

" What about the others? How many times since you've known him?"

Raidou stared thoughtfully into his cup, as though his memories were swimming in the translucent liquid. " I'm not sure about things before that first one with Genma, though I'm pretty sure they didn't start with that particular incident. Since then, there was one the year Iruka turned seventeen; that was mission induced. The next year he suffered two breaks. That was the year he took in Naruto and his relationship with Mizuki was on and off. That led to one the following year when he left him; Iruka was only nineteen at the time. "

" Too young to be dealing with that mess. " Kakashi commented.

" You're only a year older, Kakashi-kun." Raidou mocked benevolently.

The silver haired man didn't resist the urge to roll his eyes this time. Kakashi had to grin in good natured agreement. " Granted." _But my situation was a little different from Iruka's. _ He couldn't help but add the contrary thought.

Both men were quiet, their thoughts their own for several minutes. Kakashi's mind was still taking in everything he had learned. _That was a lot of shit to absorb all at once. It's... I just didn't expect this sort of thing from Iruka. I was always so envious of his boring little academy life. Guess I know better now. _ The motion of Raidou's hand across the table caught the Copy Nin's attention.

" The most important thing to remember about the vast array of stuff that I've laid on you today is that Iruka doesn't want to break, he doesn't want to lose control. For someone who teaches kids how to run with sharp objects control is everything. But, Iruka's come to accept the fact that he will break at times and that he needs help when he loses control. " Raidou spoke softly as he fixed Kakashi's one eyed gaze with an even expression. " And everything we do is to make it as easy as possible on Iruka. " He cast a glance at the clock above the stove, pushing off from the table with a tired sigh. " Time to start dinner. Those two will be up soon."

Kakashi looked towards the window over the sink. The blinds had been lowered, merely a sliver of glass and wood exposed below the slats and the jounin could see the deep shadows of early evening on the other side of the panes. _It's getting late. I probably should've turned in my mission report. Oh well, I can drop it off tomorrow. _" I can help with dinner. "

" You sure?"

" Well, I'm not a culinary master, but I haven't set my kitchen on fire either, so..."

" Point taken. I'll check the fridge for-"

" Rai-chan?" Genma's weak voice came from the couch. Honey colored hair barely peeped out from the voluminous folds of quilts.

" I'll run out to the market." Kakashi quickly assured the darker man.

Raidou nodded and hurried over to the awakening shinobi, kneeling on the floor next to the couch. " Right here, baby." Strong arms circled the bundle of blankets, hands smoothing the mussed hair and soothing the distressed murmurs from Genma. " I'm right here."

Kakashi left the comforting scene, his brain busy recalling the ingredients needed for pork and miso ramen. _Naruto said that was Iruka's favorite. _


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Notes**

- Thank you to everyone who read!!!

- Many thank yous to everyone who reviewed!!!

- Please enjoy ( hopefully:)!!!

**Warnings: MAN SEX !!! YAOI !!! NC-17!!! or atleast R!!!** While not intensely graphic, there's enough detail to not mistake what they are doing, so you have been warned!!! Also, coarse language, shounen-ai, sad stuff, etc.

**Disclaimer: **Naruto and its characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto. _Chasing Cars_ belongs to Snow Patrol, _What Do I Have To Do? _belongs to Stabbing Westward, and _If You Could Only See _belongs to Tonic.

**Comfort After the Fact**

_" The most important thing to remember is that Iruka doesn't want to break, he doesn't want to lose control. For someone who teaches kids how to run with sharp objects control is everything. But, Iruka's come to accept the fact that he will break at times and that he needs help when he loses control. "_

" Let me get that."

" You don't have to."

" Yes, I do."

Kakashi's mind was filled to overflowing with Raidou's words as he pushed the door open to Iruka's flat and escorted the smaller man inside. Lights were switched on, sandals placed neatly on the mat, heavy coats hung up. The Copy Nin kept a hand on the dolphin's elbow throughout the process, as though afraid the brunette would disappear if he let go. It had been the same since the two had awoken in the hospital that morning under Tsunade's laughing gaze and poking fingers; Kakashi refused to let the other man out of his reach.

But now, Iruka pulled away from the guiding hand and steered himself towards the bathroom. " I'm going to take a shower, Kakashi. " He threw a smile over his shoulder at the pale man. It was weak and did not reach his eyes.

" Do you want me to get Genma? Or Raidou?" Kakashi asked, working hard to keep the anxiety from his voice.

" No, it's not that bad. " Iruka replied, waving off the other man's concern. "Just make yourself at home, 'Kashi. " With that, Iruka did indeed disappear through the framed opening, painted door closing behind him.

Kakashi looked forlornly at the closed door, then shuffled off to the bedroom to clean up the nearly two day old mess. He did not look forward to it. _Nothing like stale puke and dried blood. _ The bedroom door was still closed from that night; they had teleported out, never opening the door. It swung open now, revealing a pleasant surprise. Someone, most likely by Tsunade's orders, had already cleaned the room. The futon had been stripped of its linens, bare pillows stacked on the dresser. The small rug that had borne the volume of the poison induced vomiting had been removed and was nowhere to be seen. Kakashi hoped it had been burned.

There was no evidence of the terrifying incident, except for the lack of certain items. The silver haired man peeked into the laundry basket and found nothing other than soiled clothing. _I guess they trashed the bedclothes, too. Good. _Kakashi stopped to listen to the sound of running water and a familiar scrubbing noise from the room across the hall. _Brushing his teeth. I'm surprised he didn't demand brush and paste when he woke up at the hospital. _The scrubbing and rinsing lasted several minutes before abruptly halting, a dull roar signaled the shower being turned on. Kakashi tried to ignore it as he went about putting fresh sheets onto the bed, pillows into cases and back in their place, heavy blankets to keep out the winter chill. He was done restoring the bedroom within minutes.

Matches were struck, tiny flames lighting several candles to rid the flat of the antiseptic scent that lingered. Kakashi moved back into the living area and stood lost in between the couch and the open kitchen. He felt... intrusive, a rare guest instead of a near constant fixture. _I don't remember there being so much stuff in here. _Of course, whenever he had stayed over Kakashi had never really bothered to ' notice' his lover's belongings, other than the futon. _Some shinobi I am. _ The shower continued to rain in the background. Surveying the lived -in clutter that littered Iruka's home Kakashi was debating whether or not to clean up the rest of the flat when his visible eye alighted upon the small entertainment system in the corner.

The shinobi picked his way through the books and papers and various other school paraphernalia to kneel next to the battered wooden unit. In contrast to the worn out ancient shelving, the equipment housed on it was top of the line and in pristine condition. _He spent quite a few paychecks on all this. _ _And he treats it accordingly. _ A small basket resting on a lower shelf held an assortment of cleaning supplies made specifically for audio equipment. Kakashi fingered a few of the bottles, making a note of the ones that were low, before moving his attention onto the rows upon rows of audio media.

Vinyl records, cassette tapes, CDs filled a space the size of a small closet. Stacked, boxed, filed and scattered. Sitting on the floor amongst the tea stained cups and extraneous wires a number of shoe boxes held neat rows of CDs, the kind that were burned to the owner's liking, their spines blank and uninformative. They piqued Kakashi's curiosity. _" Iruka has specific CDs marked for it, they're kept on top of the player. Always use those CDs. The rest of his collection is too difficult to decipher the content; you'd never know what you've got until it's already playing. " _With Raidou's voice echoing in his head, he pulled several from the closest box only to find the discs inside strangely labeled. " What the hell?" The silver haired man mumbled to himself as he read through the covers.

" ' Genma', ' Raidou', ' Naruto', ' Sakura'... " Kakashi read the familiar names in wonderment, lifting each case then letting it slip back into its place. _' Asuma', ' Kurenai', ' Shikamaru', ' Sandaime', 'Mom', 'Dad'... _ It seemed as though half the village had a personalized disc, three or four in some cases, in Iruka's music collection. He cast a glance at the bathroom door; the shower continued on. Curiosity controlling his actions, Kakashi pulled one of Genma's CDs from the box and , after some fumbling with the hi tech equipment ( _who the hell has three different stereo systems?)_, slid the CD into the tray. Making sure to turn the volume down to its lowest setting, he pushed the play button and sat back.

A strong club beat vibrated through the numerous speakers. Kakashi let it throb for a few seconds then pushed for the next track. It was another club mix, heavy on the bass. The third, fourth and fifth tracks were similar, varying only in the speed of heavy beats. All the lyrics were suggestive. The sixth song was more rock than dance and the words told a story of friendship. Kakashi let it play until the second chorus, then jumped ahead. He physically spit with restrained laughter when a male vocalist opened with // I'm too sexy for my love...// . _That is Genma! Right on the nose! Shit, that's great!!! _

Raidou's was next, disc one of five full of rock songs, songs that played down at the local bar where you could drink and talk all night with your buddies. Naruto had no less than two dozen CDs, some looking nearly as old as the container himself. His had a variety of musical tastes; a few silly kid's songs, some older lullabies, lyrics revolving around family and a few popular tunes to round it off . As the silver haired man sampled CD after CD, he began to realize what the discs really were. _ Iruka interprets his relationships through music. Genma is all about going to the club, getting drunk, being sexy and having a good time. Raidou's the laid back buddy that you can tell all your problems to. Naruto is as close to Iruka's son as any blood relative and he's watched him as he matured through the years. This is the village seen through Iruka's eyes, or , rather, heard through his ears. _

Giddy at the discovery, Kakashi flipped through the rest of the box looking for a particular name, cursing the usually organized sensei for not keeping the discs in any perceivable order. _Come on, it has to be here- oh! Here's one! _After searching the box twice he had a stack of six CDs laying by his knee, hiragana a stark contrast against the otherwise plain white covers; ' Kakashi'.

Kakashi studied the discs that bore his name. They were obviously well used, the plastic squares covered in tiny scratches and smudged fingerprints, the disc numbered one having the most wear-n-tear damage. The silver haired shinobi pulled what he deemed to be the most recently burned CD, ' Kakashi #6'. The disc inside, in contrast to its wrinkled paper cover, was spotless and it clicked neatly into its spot in the tray. The system hummed quietly as the first track was queued up. Kakashi unconsciously held his breath as he waited.

The first strains of music were achingly familiar, the first song on_ his _disc beingthe song he had been originally searching for in the extensive assortment. Kakashi felt his chest tighten as the lyrics began.

// We'll do it all ...Everything... On our own... //

A sudden lack of white noise indicated the ending of Iruka's shower. Kakashi balked momentarily, then turned the volume up three more bars. The song could be heard softly throughout the apartment. Getting to his feet, the silver haired man grimaced at the creaking of his left knee ( an old injury from his chunnin days) and padded across the smooth wood floor to stand outside the bathroom door. " Iruka?"

// We don't need ... Anything... Or anyone //

" Yeah."

" You okay?"

A pause. " Yeah. I think I'm going to soak in the bath for a while."

Kakashi nearly tripped over himself trying to get to the stereo to put in the proper CD . _Damnit! Raidou said he had CDs marked for breaking. Where are they?! _

" Kakashi? " Iruka's voice was louder than before , but sounded almost muffled, as though his mouth was closely pressed to the door.

The silver haired jounin again stumbled his way back across the tight space to stand before the bathroom entrance. " I'm here. I'm here. "

" I know Raidou explained my breaking process to you. That last time, a year ago. "

" Yeah. I'll put the right CDs in and I'll get Genma and put up the fuujiko-"

" Did he happen to mention that I do the same things when I'm having a bad day, too?"

" Uh, no." Kakashi raised a hand and pressed his palm flat against the wood. He could have sworn he could feel the other man's warmth through the barrier. _ No, that scarred bastard didn't mention it._ The little flare of anger didn't last long, relief at not having to witness his lover in such anguish quickly overwhelming him.

" Well, I do. Only it's not as a big a deal. " Iruka's voice was an odd mixture of fatigue and amusement. " I like that CD, let it play. You don't have to do anything special, don't worry about the music or the jutsu, but... I need a little time to myself. Please."

" I'll run out to Ichiraku's to pick up some dinner. I'll be back in... an hour. Okay?" Kakashi asked, hoping he was giving the man enough time to vent while not allowing him too much time in which to brood.

" Sounds good. " There was a shuffling and a muffled thump from within the room. The sound of running water drowned out anything else.

// If I lay here... If I just lay here...//

Kakashi was glad he hadn't received any argument from the brunette, not wanting to be without his lover's company for too long. He quickly slipped back into his boots and coat and headed out into the cold night for hot ramen. He threw the containment jutsu into place, just in case.

Ichiraku's had only taken fifteen minutes. Kakashi had tried to drag it out, even talking with the owner's daughter for a bit, but the ramen chefs had been eager to please their best customers ( outside of Naruto) and had turned the shinobi's order out in record time. Luckily he had run into Sakura on her way home from her hospital shift . They discussed the preparations for Naruto's arrival sometime the next week; the blonde spitfire and his ero sannin sensei making a short visit before they disappeared back into the wilds for more training. Kakashi knew it was no coincidence that Konoha's new bathhouse would be celebrating its grand opening the same week, with free admission for women. There was no way Jiraiya could pass up a ' data gathering' opportunity such as that. The pink haired kunoichi laughingly agreed with him and they made plans to set up as many chakra traps around the women's bath's perimeter as they could before the pervy sage showed up.

" We're going to have everything set up at the Hyuuga compound for Naruto's party. We can't all fit inside Naruto's apartment or Iruka-sensei's place." Sakura explained, shifting her heavy shoulder bag. " Hinata-chan offered one of the guest houses and Neji-kun promised to keep his elders from spoiling our fun. Of course, we can't do too much with the adults that are going to be there." She gave the silver haired man a knowing wink.

Kakashi ran a mental list of all the adults that would welcome the fox boy when he returned and realized that Iruka would be alone in a sea of vice and iniquity. The other grown ups, including himself, would be the ones providing endless alcohol, organizing games of chance, and either inciting or displaying indecent acts. All within smacking distance of nearly three dozen minors. " We'll send the littlest ones home early, then I'll make sure Iruka-sensei is thoroughly pre occupied the rest of the evening."

" Sounds like a plan. I'll see to it that everything is organized. Oyasumi, Kakashi-sensei." She turned in the direction of her home, waving farewell over one shoulder.

Kakashi said his goodnights, as well, and drifted towards his lover's flat, annoyed that their conversation had taken less than ten minutes of his time. With more than half an hour left, the silver haired man stood outside his lover's apartment door, chakra tamped down to nil so he wouldn't disturb Iruka with his early presence. As he waited for his self imposed time limit to expire, Kakashi thought about his dolphin and what the brunette had told him about his three week mission gone awry.

Iruka had received his mission a week after Kakashi left for his B-rank. Tsunade had apparently chosen the chuunin for two reasons. 1) Iruka had been to Stone country before during his genin career and had a good lay of the land, so to speak. 2) He was quite literally the most experienced ninja within the village who could be spared to leave at that time. The mission parameters had been simple enough; infiltrate Stone, obtain the scrolls containing highly destructive forbidden jutsus and tentative plans for an invasion of Leaf, return home with said scrolls.

_I still can't believe Tsunade sent him by himself. It should have been accomplished by a team. _Kakashi continued to rail against the Hokage's decision, but he knew, the sensible shinobi voice inside his head knew, that sending a lone soldier had been the best strategy. No one would become suspicious of a single traveler, even if he did happen to pass through one of the more hostile territories. Iruka had been able to slip in undetected; getting out had been more difficult.

Kakashi's internal clock went off, notifying him his time was up. The icy wind had chilled his face despite his mask and Kakashi could already feel the beginnings of a runny nose. _Deal with it later. _He let his chakra gradually build back to a normal level to give the man inside the flat fair warning of his presence and opened the front door. The jutsu warped around him as he entered.

// I can feel your heartbeat through my skin...//

Music filled the small space, notes low and melodious, though slightly different from the song playing when Kakashi had left.

// It makes me sad to think... This could all be for nothing...//

The silver haired man cringed at the depressing lyrics. _Hits a little close to home. Is this how he felt all these months while I was being a clueless jackass? Maybe I should've checked out the tracks before I stuck this in, made sure there weren't too many lovelorn tunes on here. _Kakashi kicked off his sandals and set the bag of food onto the small kitchen table. After removing his coat and placing it back on its proper hook, he made a half step towards the stereo system.

// I wish there was a way... A way for you to see inside me...

I've never felt this way...About anyone or anything... Tell me...//

A tiny noise from behind the closed bathroom door caught Kakashi's attention and he aborted his trek to the stereo, instead making his way to the back of the apartment. He opened the door without knocking.

// What do I have to do... To make you happy?

What do I have to do... To make you understand?//

The scene within the little bathroom was heart wrenching for the elder shinobi. Iruka was slumped in the cramped tub, chin just breaking the water's surface. His dark hair was jet black when wet and laid in thick locks plastered to his neck and cheeks, water streaming from the silky mass to run rivers over his tanned face. Iruka's chocolate colored eyes were glazed and red rimmed. It was obvious he had been crying hard.

// What do I have to do... To make you want me?

Well, if I can't make you want me... Tell me...What do I have to do?//

Iruka looked up when Kakashi entered, a tiny, yet genuine, smile on his lips. " You didn't have to wait outside, but thanks."

Kakashi remained silent as he crossed the tile floor in two steps and sat on the towel topped bench next to the tub. He pulled the dark mask from his face, tossing it through the open doorway onto the edge of the sink, and returned the smile. " How did you know?" He rubbed his tickling nose.

Shrugging, the chuunin raised a hand and watched the water drip from his fingers back into the tub. " Just did. Always do."

The scarecrow didn't question his lover's response. Iruka had proven on more than one occasion to be unnaturally perceptive, especially when it came to the older man. _Has a sixth sense, or a dumbass radar , or something. _The jounin mentally smirked. Kakashi leaned forward, resting an elbow on his knee, other hand moving to caress the soaked head. His palm smoothed Iruka's shiny hair laying flattened against his scalp as he wondered when the man would decide to talk. The radio played on in the background as Kakashi watched his lover's face.

// I know exactly what you're thinking... But I swear this time I will not let you down...//

" I never get used to it."

// I'm not as selfish as I used to be... That was a part of me that never made me proud ...//

Kakashi moved his hand to cup the back of Iruka's skull then slid down to rest against the man's neck. His fingers recognized the thin raised scar just below the dark hairline. The jounin had always wondered how Iruka had received that mark. " To what?"

" Killing people." Iruka closed his eyes and rolled his head even farther forward to allow the jounin's hand ample room.

// Right now I think I would try anything... Anything at all to keep you satisfied...//

" I hope you never do." Kakashi kept his voice low, tone soothing. " I don't want you to be a cold blooded killer." _Like me. _

" You're not cold blooded." Iruka whispered.

// God I hope you see what losing you would do to me...All I want is one more chance… tell me...//

" You know," Kakashi's words took on an exasperated edge. " you're ruining my reputation as a shinobi every time you do that. I'm supposed to be mysterious and unfathomable. " He leaned closer to the tub and brushed a kiss across Iruka's forehead, the dolphin gracing him with another tiny smile. Kakashi continued to rub the caramel colored neck. " One day you'll have to tell me the secret of the Umino-Mind-Reading no Jutsu. "

"Only if you tell me how to pull off your Hatake-Responsibility-Evasion no Jutsu."

" It's a deal." Kakashi laughed softly, pulling his hand away from the warm skin to remove his glove. When he put his hand back on the younger man's neck he paid closer attention to the bathwater that was creeping up the hunched form. _Just lukewarm. I need to get him out of here or refill the tub pretty soon. I'll give him a few more minutes._

What do I have to do to make you want me?... What do I have to do to make you understand?... What do I have to do to make you love me?...//

It wasn't long after those thoughts flittered through Kakashi's silver head that Iruka spoke again, his voice reverted back to its melancholic note. " I tried to simply escape, just outrun them and get home. " His lips were nearly submerged in the bathwater, bubbles and ripples appearing on the water's surface as he spoke. Brown eyes stared blankly at the liquid disturbances. " I cut across country towards Cloud, didn't head straight for Fire Country, waited until I knew I wasn't being followed. But I stumbled right into a border patrol, two teams, right on the edge of Fire, a day away from Konoha. " Iruka exhaled, long and deep. The ripples spread all the way to the edges of the tub. " It was stupid of me and I was caught by surprise. I took the kunai across the arm, poison started to make me dizzy, nauseous. Knew I had to get somewhere safe to take an antidote. I managed to trap two of them in a chakra web, wounded two more with shuriken, but nothing fatal. Just enough so I could get away. "

Kakashi nodded. Iruka, like Naruto ( who took after the scarred brunette), avoided fatal strikes whenever possible. _Sometimes even when they shouldn't be so lenient. _ While Kakashi considered that trait detrimental to the life of a shinobi, he would never insult it or try to convince Iruka to act differently. He could only trust his lover to rely on his common sense and hope that everything turned out okay. His fingers dug into the tight muscles, trying to ease the residual stress.

" The last two, I thought they had run back to get reinforcements, I saw figures running towards Stone. I guess they were clones, decoys." Iruka seemed to crumble slowly, his head dipping further and further into the bathwater as his body curled in on itself, though his voice remained flat, detached. " One just materialized in front of me, I dropped off the limb. Fell towards the lower branch, aiming to swing away. It exploded. I fell to the ground. And they were both there, one on either side. Kunai and Katana. I became desperate. "

// But, if I can't make you love me...Just tell me what do I have to do?...//

The Copy Nin slowly eased one arm down into the bath, looping around the front of the smaller man's body and pulling him up out of the pronounced slouch. Iruka leaned against Kakashi's shoulder, unperturbed by the adjustment to his position. The silver haired man moved the hand that had been massaging the dolphin's neck lower to rub gentle circles onto the heavily scarred back. Kakashi laid his cheek atop the dark head, listening silently. _These lyrics are killing me._

" All I could think was ' I have to get back to Kakashi'. "

Mismatched eyes closed.

" It kept playing over and over in my head. ' I have to get back to Kakashi'. " Iruka's weight settled a little more against the older shinobi. " Kunai attacked first, pushed me towards Katana. I dragged him with me, let the sword blade pierce the side of my vest and pulled Kunai onto the blade. It went directly into his gut. I twisted his own weapon around and cut his throat. " The tanned face turned more towards the darkly clothed shoulder. " His mask fell away and I was staring into the dead eyes of a boy no older than Naruto. Katana screamed, I could tell it was a girl. She tried to pull her blade sideways, to cut me in half. It caught on a scroll in one of my pockets, kept it from doing more than just opening the skin. I turned, jerked the hilt from her hand and buried the same kunai into her chest." Iruka's face was pressed firmly into Kakashi's shirt, his words muffled by cloth and flesh. " She called out for her mother before she died. She looked even younger than the boy. I think they were genin."

// To forget about you...//

_Oh shit. _Kakashi couldn't gather any thoughts more intelligent at that moment. He tightened his hold on the other man, merely supporting him in the rapidly cooling water. Iruka didn't move within his embrace, either comfortable where he was or uncaring. The next song filled the silence left behind by the last.

// If you could only see the way she loves me... Then maybe you would understand...//

_That would even give me pause. No wonder Iruka's tore up over it. _Eventually Kakashi found his voice, his eyes opening to stare blankly at the back wall of the bath. " I'm sorry, 'Ruka." _Sorry I wasn't there to keep you from having to go through this. Sorry I was the cause for your desperation. Sorry for not being able to make this better for you. _

The soaked head titled back, brown eyes lost some of their glazed look and turned to focus on the older man. Kakashi knew Iruka could tell what he had been thinking, what he had left unsaid, but the brunette didn't call him on it, for once. " I'm sorry, too. " The dolphin returned his cheek to its damp resting place.

" The water's getting cold, Iruka. Let's get out and have dinner." The scarecrow offered, wrapping both arms around the chuunin.

// Why I feel this way about our love... And what I must do...//

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kakashi left Iruka to dress on his own while he took the world's shortest shower. In less than sixty seconds the jounin had stripped, soaped up, scrubbed down, rinsed off and buffed dry. The darker man had just finished brushing through his tangled hair when Kakashi emerged from the bathroom in a pair of low slung drawstring pants and the simple black scarf that he used to cover the sharingan eye when he wasn't on duty. Gray took in Iruka's similar state of dress, with the addition of a washed thin cotton t-shirt hiding his upper body. The dolphin shivered slightly and Kakashi silently helped him into a dark colored robe, then he led Iruka to sit at the kitchen table.

Dinner was quiet, though not uncomfortable. Kakashi's CD had finished while he was in the shower (_thank kami, I'm going to have to figure out how to burn one with only HAPPY songs on it for him) _and Iruka apparently hadn't bothered to replace it. The jounin merrily watched his lover inhale his large bowl of ramen in a very Naruto like fashion before he proceeded to wolf down the second bowl that Kakashi had brought for tomorrow's breakfast.

Iruka's eyes slowly reappeared over the rim of the upturned bowl as the man drained the last of the salty broth and set it back onto the table. A bashful smile spread across his features, a delicate blush across his cheeks. Iruka used the back of his hand to wipe his mouth.

" Do you want the rest of mine?" Kakashi pushed his half finished container of beef ramen towards the other man. His stomach made a noisy protest at losing its much wanted nutrition, but Kakashi ignored it like he did every time his body tried to tell him something he didn't want to acknowledge. _I can make up for it tomorrow. Iruka comes first. _

The slighter man shook his head and laughed at Kakashi's growling stomach. Iruka pushed the food back across the table. " I shouldn't have eaten that much, but it tasted so good I couldn't resist." He slumped back in his chair and patted the cotton shirt covering his flat belly. " But anymore and I'm pretty certain I'll get sick. You eat. " The previously ignored glass of water was nursed slowly.

Kakashi didn't press. He took his bowl back, chopsticks clattering dully in the empty styrofoam when he finished a few minutes later. Kakashi swallowed his water in three gulps and put a hand over his mouth to muffle a large belch. " 'Scuse me." He grabbed the empty containers, tossing them into the trash, picking up the dirty glasses and heading to the sink. " I'll wash these up. Do you want to sleep? Go back to your room?"

" Not yet." Iruka stood from the table and shuffled his bare feet across the wooden floor. He settled gingerly into the corner of the sofa, sinking into the plump pillows stacked against the arm, and rested his cheek on the couch back.

Kakashi watched him, concerned, for another second then hastily ran hot water and soap into the cups. _He's just tired, Hatake. There's nothing wrong with him. He's fine. _ The words became a mantra for the jounin as he cleaned up the small mess in the kitchen, casting worried glances over his shoulder at the man curled up on the couch.

_Okay, cups dried and in the cupboard. Trash thrown away. Table and sink wiped clean. Lights out, candles only. Very vulnerable, yet exceptionally sexy, chuunin needing companionship. And kisses. _ Kakashi dried his hands on a dish towel and discarded it on the countertop. _Possibly some groping. _ The predictable thoughts helped cheer the silver haired man as he approached the couch and its sole occupant. " Doin' okay? Want me to get you anything?"

" Could...could you put on some music, ' Kashi?" Iruka didn't even look up as he spoke, clutching the fuzzy throw blanket a little tighter to his chest.

Once again traversing the cluttered floor, Kakashi kneeled in front of the entertainment center and began rummaging around in the stacks. " Anything in particular?" _'Cuz I'm not playing anything else with my name on it and I'm not even going to try to pick something 'safe' from this pile of-_

" Second box to your right. ' Sitting #3', ' Lounging #1', ' Meditating #1', 'Breathing # 4' and-uh- just pick out two more that sound good to you. " Iruka spoke mainly into the upholstery. " That will fill up the tray so there won't be any gaps."

The box was exactly where Iruka said it would be, not that Kakashi had any doubts. It took a little more time to find the discs that the chuunin had specified, doubly so because Kakashi was reading all the different covers as he searched. Like the discs he had discovered earlier, these were also unconventionally labeled. Alongside the titles mentioned by the dolphin Kakashi found 'Sparring', ' Crying' (_ push these to the back of the box and plan to destroy later)_, 'Laughing', 'Dancing', 'Singing' and the list of verbs went on.

Deciding to play it as safe as possible, Kakashi chose two discs from the 'Meditating' series, figuring they wouldn't be too emotionally disturbing. The CDs were placed one by one into the player's multi-disc tray and all the proper buttons pushed before the jounin rose to join the other man. He had barely made it onto the sofa when a delicate melody started.

Kakashi scooted under Iruka's legs, shifting and wiggling until the slighter man was nearly sitting across his lap. Iruka's upper body reclined more so on the pillows as Kakashi leaned forward and wrapped pale arms protectively around him. The scarred nose was planted in the crook of the jounin's neck and shoulder. Kakashi began dusting light kisses across what tan skin he could reach, hand carding into the sweet smelling damp hair.

He wasn't sure how long they sat there. The music seemed to flow from one selection to the next with little variation in theme or tone, the wind continuously whipped through the eaves, the wall clock ticked endlessly into the night. Kakashi's thoughts did not wander as freely as the passage of time. He alternated between recalling the events of the past three days and grounding himself in the physical present; all revolving around Iruka and his own belated epiphany.

_Two days ago, I brought him home from the hospital, watched him make seafood chowder that I thought I couldn't eat but ate anyway and spent half the evening arguing with him about his mission... His hair smells so good, like vanilla and cinnamon. Soft as silk, and skin just as smooth... Two days ago I fucked him senseless ( three times), got into another argument and ne-nearly LEFT HIM ALONE TO DIE... His skin feels too cool to the touch. He must still be suffering from the blood loss, cold so quickly... Not quite two days ago I brought him back to the hospital, threw up the chowder and watched him sleep for far too long... He doesn't feel heavy enough in my lap. I didn't notice that when I got back, he's lost weight in the month I was gone to Mist...Not quite two days ago I snuck into his hospital bed , finally accepted the biggest realization of my life and got cut off by a closet karaoke fanatic... His eyes are absolutely beautiful. Not just brown, but velvet sable with fleks of gold and copper, thick lashes like silk fringe..._

" Kakashi?" Iruka was leaning back in order to see the jounin's face.

Kakashi realized he'd been caught staring, not that it was the first time, or the last to be sure. He moved back a bit, too, giving more space to view the handsome features of his lover. An answering noise came from his closed lips. Iruka freed an arm from the blanket and tight embrace and questioningly ran his fingertips over the dark cloth slanted over Kakashi's face. The jounin dipped his head forward then remained still as the dolphin slid the scarf off, exposing the ruby eye and its accompanying vertical scar. Light touches tickled across his ivory skin, exploring until they found a comfortable spot at his temple. Kakashi's mental rant began where it had left off.

_This morning I woke up in the hospital bed, got chewed out by Tsunade for disturbing a convalescent and watched him sleep until noon... His scar looks darker than usual against his skin, definitely blood loss; he's almost ashen. I bet I can put some color back into those cheeks... This afternoon I kissed him awake, was interrupted every time I tried to discuss the night before and brought him home from the hospital AGAIN... His touches are like butterfly wings, almost too soft to feel, too delicate to hold onto... _

_I have yet to say " I love you." _

_I have yet to hear him say he loves me._

" Did you want to talk about last night, 'Kashi?" Iruka's eyes were half lidded, dark in the candle light and scraps of moon beam that penetrated the closed blinds. It seemed as though he were fighting sleep. " We haven't talked about it."

The silver headed shinobi paused, hand frozen on the dolphin's throat, half way between his neck and chest; thumb still balanced on the defined jaw. _Yes, yes I want to talk about it!!! _" I'd like to, but if you're not up to it, then it can w-"

" No, I'm fine. I want to talk about it." Iruka hurriedly assured him, hands sliding around the back of the jounin's neck to tug him closer. Lips met lips in a slow meld.

Kakashi refused to think during the kiss. He concentrated on the feel and taste of the other man, instead. When Iruka pulled away, breathing deep and eyes glassy, Kakashi forced his brain to kick start again. " Uh..." _How do I go about this? _

" Start at the beginning."

" You're not going to make this easier on me, are you?"

" Nope."

Kakashi sighed and gathered his rampaging thoughts. _Start at the beginning, right? _" I'm sorry, Iruka. I'm sorry for being the ultimate prick. I'm sorry for taking advantage of your kindness. I'm sorry for taking advantage of your body. I'm sorry that I was rough with you sometimes. I'm sorry for leaving you in a cold bed alone most mornings."

" 'Kashi I-" Iruka's eyes widened in pained disbelief.

" I'm sorry for giving off the impression that I don't trust your abilities. I'm sorry for speaking harshly to you in public. I'm sorry for not letting you know when I'm leaving on missions. I'm sorry for not letting you know when I get back. I'm sorry that you're lonely when I'm gone."

" Don't Ka-" Iruka tried again.

" I'm sorry for spying through your bedroom window when you get out of the shower. I'm sorry for grabbing your ass in front of the pre-school classes. I'm sorry for always showing up too late. I'm sorry for leaving my dirty laundry over here. I'm sorry for ruining your favorite dolphin plushie. I'm sorry I've been lying to myself for nearly two years and hurting you in the process. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get my act together. I'm sorry for never telling you that I'm sorry. And most of all... " Kakashi drew in a much needed breath of air, trying his damndest to squelch the trembling of his voice. " ...I'm sorry for never telling you how I feel about you."

Iruka was wide eyed and open mouthed. All traces of fatigue had vanished from his features, his face now resembling a gold fish caught outside its water bowl.

Any other day and Kakashi would have taken the time to congratulate himself for putting such an expression on the teacher's face. Any other day was not today.

" Iruka, I love you."

"..."

" Iruka, I love you."

"..."

" Uh, Iruka?" Kakashi began to panic, his arms loosening their hold. _I was wrong! I misread him or the past two years or last night's duet or something, but I was wrong! He doesn't feel the same way about me! He doesn't lov-_

" I-I uhm, I never thought I would hear you say that." Iruka's voice was tiny, barely audible above the music or the rapid beating of the jounin's heart. Dark eyes fell shut, tan fingers clenched in the silver hair. " I never thought..."

" I've been trying to say it since last night, but you've cut me off each time." Kakashi pouted. " Did you not want me to say it?" _Oh kami-sama, don't let me be some pity case for him._

" No, no I've wanted this for so long and I've known for a while." Iruka re-opened his eyes to face Kakashi directly.

" Of course you've known." Kakashi smirked. " Umino-Mind-Reading no Jutsu."

" I just hoped, really. Hoped that it wasn't simply wishful thinking on my part. " One hand left the nest of silvered hair and carressed a pale cheek. " And even when I was fairly certain how you felt about me, I didn't want to push you into admitting anything. I knew it would be hard for you." Iruka's thumb traced a path perpendicular to the scar, lingering now and again on the spot immediately beneath the crimson orb.

" It's been hard for you, as well." Kakashi countered. _Always placing others above yourself, sensei. _

Iruka confirmed with a nod. " But it was worth it, keeping you with me. I didn't want to lose what we had." He smiled sadly up at the taller man, tongue slipping out to wet parted lips. " I had just resigned myself to a lifetime without those words. As long as you were near me I could bare it. "

_I've caused a world of hurt to this man and I will never forgive myself for that. _The scarecrow leant forward suddenly and concentrated on covering every inch of tan skin with feather light kisses. Between brushes of skin on skin, Kakashi made his vow. " I will spend... the rest... of my life making it... up to you, Iruka." As the kisses fell, each one a little heavier, a little longer, Kakashi made the dolphin's lips his final resting spot. Deep, slow, open mouth kisses created a seperate tempo from the lazy beat that filled the apartment. " I only want...one... thing...from you in return."

" Hmmm?" Iruka's hands were both back in Kakashi's hair, fisted in the silver strands. His cheeks began to grow warm.

" Tell me that you love me. Please."

" I love you 'Kashi. I love you, I love you, IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou..." Iruka mumbled into the other man's mouth. " I love you, 'Kashi. You silly bastard, I love you." Iruka continued to murmur, chocolate orbs visible again. " I've been waiting years to tell you that. Years, Kakashi, of biting my tongue and keeping my mouth closed and distracting you in some form or another. Years of careful gestures and censored looks, repressed emotions and actions. You don't know what it means to me to hear you say those words. "

" Then why didn't you let me say them last night? Or this morning? "

" I wanted to put some distance between myself and what happened. On the mission, I mean." The brunette released a sigh and sank even further into the cushions, some of the fatigue from earlier returning to his body.

" I was still distracted by everything that had happened, but now..."

" But now you're freshly showered, well fed and completely safe in my arms." Kakashi began to plant a line of kisses down the side of his lover's face, extending to his collarbone. " I'd also like to add: sweet, sexy, soft, and very very tempting." His hands followed his mouth's example, caressing and stroking their way down the man's body. " So, I love you."

" I love you, too, 'Kashi. I love you." Iruka breathed heavily into the limp spikes of hair below his chin.

Kakashi continued his ministrations, a hand slipping under and pushing up the light blue cotton of Iruka's shirt, fingers searching out a dusky nipple. He tweaked the nub of flesh until it pebbled and stood up. The jounin returned to the brunette's mouth, teeth nibbling on Iruka's lower lip, tongue slyly delving inside. Long dark locks flowed from between the fingers of Kakashi's hand that was not occupied with molesting his lover's chest.

Iruka's breath was catching in his throat. " Uhgn- uh, 'Kashi? I-I'm not really up to- ohhhh!"

Kakashi had released the irritated nipple only to drop his hand below the other man's waistband. _His skin is so incredibly soft, especially right here. _ He ran a single finger along a hip, tracing the line of bone and flesh under the loose fabric until he reached the joining point of legs to body. Once there, Kakashi decidedly ignored the bundle of semi erect flesh, placing his focus on the inside of Iruka's thigh, instead. _So warm here, hot and soft and all mine. _

" Kakashi, I'm sorry, but I really can't do something this strenuous right now." Iruka tilted his head back on his neck, breaking the heated kiss. His eyes were filled with regret and frustration, overlaid with the heavy exhaustion of physical and mental strain.

A thumb grazed the full sac hanging below the chuunin's growing erection, effectively cutting off the man's protest. Kakashi pressed his lips onto the tip of Iruka's facial scar and cautiously sucked on the puckered flesh, his thumb deliberately passing back and forth across the sensitive area of his groin, before pulling away to speak. " You don't have to do anything, Iruka. Please just let me..." He didn't know how to explain it. An undeniable urge had taken over him, the urge to touch and kiss and bring pleasure to this angel-like man that had changed his life in so many ways he couldn't keep track. _ Kami-sama, I need to see him cry out, to make him cry out because the pleasure is too much. Pleasure that I've given him. I need to see him break softly, not like before, but softly for me. _" ... just let me do this for you, please. " _Please, I need this so much!_

Iruka was staring into his mismatched eyes, seeing through his ineloquence as always. Kakashi kept up his task of petting the smooth skin below his lover's waist, knowing that he was making it difficult for Iruka to even think, but unable to stop himself from indulging in the action. The dolphin reached up and tentatively rubbed the scar marking the bridge of his nose, the skin surrounding it reddened and wet. Iruka nodded slowly.

With permission granted, Kakashi engaged in a series of meaningful kisses while his palm moved to cup Iruka's hardening cock. _ Need him, need him so much. _Kakashi swung his legs onto the couch, shifting until he lay half atop the brunette, one leg firmly planted between the dolphin's thighs as he scooted further still to rain sloppy kisses down the exposed skin of Iruka's well muscled chest. The broad tan hands remained entrenched in the jounin's hair.

_Tastes like vanilla soap, salty hint of ramen and broth, no more antiseptic or sickness. Tastes like 'Ruka. My 'Ruka. _Kakashi's thoughts rambled as his mouth kept busy licking, nipping, and kissing his way towards the man's erogenous zone until it he was suddenly there and the pants were dragged down, baring deliciously caramel colored skin.

_Let me show you how much you mean to me. _

Within scant minutes Iruka was writhing weakly beneath Kakashi's talented mouth. The jounin suckled gently, slowly building the intensity, taking great care to not overwhelm the exhausted man. He knew Iruka wouldn't last very long, the past three weeks of hell leaving the dolphin drained, and that was fine with Kakashi. He hadn't been planning on staging a marathon, only expressing himself the best way he knew how; through his actions. Arms hugging Iruka's naked hips, hands petting his sides. Kakashi drew his lover's body into a blissful state that ended too soon for either one, but the culmination satisfied and calmed them both. _Well, I'm not fully satisfied, but that can wait. _ The Copy Nin ruefully adjusted his own aching erection as he continued to lick the sensitive area until not a drop of bittersweet cream was left on the smooth skin. He climbed back up the chuunin's sated form, out of breath from his exertions and the lust growing below his waist. _It'll either be wet dreams or a shower session in the morning, but it doesn't matter. Iruka's the only one who matters right now. _

Iruka seemed to have fainted. He lay back on the pillows, eyes closed, arms limply at his sides, one dangling off the edge of the couch. Only his breath coming in half choked inhales and exhales from between parted lips belied his conscious state. Kakashi cradled one side of the tan face in his large hand and sprinkled kisses across the horizontal scar. " Iruka, my beloved." He whispered in reverence.

Eventually the dark eyes opened and fixed onto the man above him. " 'Kashi love." Iruka's hand lay tenderly against a pale cheek.

" I like the sound of that. " Kakashi smiled into the kiss, hiding the flinch as his cloth covered cock rubbed against Iruka's side, sending agonizingly pleasant sensations up his spine.

A little frown flickered across Iruka's face. " You didn't cum." He began to fumble with the jounin's pants, attempting to handle what he apparently deemed an oversight on Kakashi's part.

" Don't worry about it, ." Kakashi pulled the hand away with little physical protest; Iruka was simply too weak to struggle properly.

But the brunette continued to plead verbally, eyes turned sleepy-puppy-dog-aren't-I-so-cute-and-undeniable. " Please, love. Please, for me. Let me do the same for you. "

The debate went on for a bit until Kakashi could no longer argue with the combined forces of Iruka's doe eyes and his own pounding lust. " Okay, okay, but you are going to stay still." He shushed the coming words, slanting his mouth over the other man's. When he pulled back, Iruka was dazed and compliant. " You said before that you aren't in the best condition, and you can barely move after what I pulled, so just lay here, " Kakashi slipped a hand between their bodies and took hold of his aching flesh. He gasped slightly at the much wanted contact.

" and kiss me silly."

Without a word Iruka folded both arms around the jounin's body and held him close, lips locked firmly in place. Kakashi took a deep breath through his nose and fell into a fast and furious rhythm meant to bring him to release in very little time. With the deep kiss helping things along, the silver headed man succumbed inside the span of two songs, liquid warmth spreading between them. Frantic strokes eased into unhurried touches and Kakashi melted into the embrace. He reluctantly broke the seal of their lips, his need for oxygen causing his lungs to burn. The silver haired man lay gasping in the crook of Iruka's neck and shoulder, reveling in the afterglow and the dolphin's fondling.

Kakashi groaned as he removed his now sticky hand from his pants, both enjoying and cursing the feel of the quickly cooling mess on his stomach and thighs. _I need to take another shower. _ He made to wipe his soiled hand on his pants leg when the limb was apprehended by his lover. Iruka gripped the jounin's wrist and this time it was Kakashi who was too tired to resist. The hand was lifted to head level, held there for a moment, then Kakashi felt the distinct sensation of a warm tongue wrapping around his fingers.

If he hadn't just spilled his desire mere seconds ago the jounin would have cummed again at the sight that met his colorful gaze. Iruka, eyes closed in gluttonous joy, was daintily licking the white streaks from his hand. Breathing heavily, Kakashi watched in silent fascination as each of his fingers was drawn into his lover's mouth. He sat up as much as he could without drastically changing their position in order to better observe the show the brunette was putting on.

Kitten licks finished his little finger, pink tongue caught for a moment between front teeth before retreating back inside the mouth that formed a kiss in the center of Kakashi's newly cleaned palm. A tiny smear remained on Iruka's face and with the utmost tenderness the older man brushed his lips across his lover's, taking the pale stuff with his tongue. There was a pause as the player switched to the next disc, a lack of music invading their moment. Kakashi dropped his head back to the brunette's shoulder.

" I love you, 'Kashi."

" I love you, 'Ruka."

" You realize I can't move any more?" Iruka's voice giggled next to the other man's ear.

" Me neither. Wanna sleep on the couch?" Kakashi mumbled sleepily, already shifting his body to a more comfortable spot, only to be reminded of their previous activities by the faint squelch of cold semen soaked fabric. " Ewww. I guess we shouldn't. " He forced himself to sit up, grimacing at the mess, though it had stayed fairly contained within the boundaries of the front of his lounge pants and his stomach. There were a few wet spots on Iruka's shirt and the brunette obliged the older man by stripping the top off and letting Kakashi use the old cotton to clean himself up. Once he was no longer sticky, Kakashi tossed the shirt aside and vacated the sofa. He released the jutsu on the apartment, turned off the stereo, blew out the candles. Iruka was scooped up into his arms despite the dolphin's protests which were fading swiftly into sleep. The jounin carried him through the darkness into the small bedroom.

" 'M'luv 'K'shi." Iruka mumbled into the scarecrow's collarbone just as the older man laid him in the bed. His breathing evened out before Kakashi crawled in beside him.

" I love you." Kakashi whispered into the dark hair. He tucked the slighter man into his body, chest to back, arms encircling protectively.

_My beloved..._

_-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

_One Year Ago..._

Dinner had gone surprisingly well. Iruka wasn't his usual cheerful self and his eyes were swollen and puffy, but he managed a few genuine, if tired, smiles. Genma behaved in a similar manner, only his smiles were more forced and his eyes, while not tear swollen, were more haunted than the dolphin's. Raidou kept an eye on both men and made harmless conversation throughout the meal. Kakashi had been mostly silent, but he had tried to engage in the small talk, to keep up the distractions that the older brunette was producing for the benefit of the other two.

When the older men left afterwards, Kakashi knew their night was just beginning. _ Genma will break and Raidou will watch and neither of them are going to be getting much sleep. If any at all. _ He turned his attention back onto the chuunin who was already in bed nearly asleep. Kakashi hovered in the doorway of Iruka's darkened bedroom, watching the dolphin as he slipped further into dreamland. The prospect of his cold empty flat became more and more unappealing every second he spent gazing at the futon with its blanket covered bundle. _I should go back to the apartment. He doesn't actually need me here. Raidou said he'd be fine by himself. _ A soft moan issued from beneath the covers. Kakashi strode the three steps to sit on the edge of the mattress, gloved hand pulling the blanket edge back to check on his friend.

Iruka nosed deeper into his pillow, apparently disturbed by the chilly air flowing across his exposed skin. Dark eyes blinked open and stared into the dimly lit room. " Kakashi-sensei?" One hand uncurled from the tan body and wrapped loosely around the fingers holding his blanket. " Didn't have to stay."

" I know." Kakashi answered quietly, tucking the blankets around the man's shoulders. _He needs his sleep. I should go and let him rest... Awww, to hell with it. _" Do you mind if I stay here?"

" 'Course not. Get in." Iruka raised his arm, pushing the blankets down on one side as an invitation. " 'M not in any shape to be any fun, though."

The jounin chuckled. " Likewise, so don't worry about it. " Kakashi quickly removed his hitai-ate and flak vest, followed by his long sleeve shirt. The dark mask remained in place. He scrambled under the covers, taking the offered space and gratefully resting his silver head on the feather pillow. Iruka dragged the many quilts back over the pale man , arm tossed carelessly across his body, face buried in Kakashi's shoulder, like a small child cuddling up to his favorite stuffed animal. There was another minute or so of sighing and shifting before the jounin felt Iruka's chakra level drop and even out into sleep.

Kakashi closed his eyes, covered the arm across his chest with his own ivory hand, and drifted off.

_Owari_


End file.
